Another Hault

this blog comes to an end for the time being.... I've  run out of topics...rather i can't find obsession in anything...nothing evokes my mind....there has been some powerful undercurrents of negativity flowing ....resulting in wounded emotions....i hurt many people during the course of this...the last one was real bad...no excuses....you cant handle me the way i am....there had been withdrawal syndromes...insanity....and lastly a sadistic pleasure in finding people getting hurt.....i want the death of my spoiled half.....not anymore....so all of you who got anger ,grudge and got hurt by me...pay tributes....
i don't know whether i can come back like old times....enjoying everything....like others do...let the past odds RIP....and girl salute you for your tolerance level...i was so bad....feel free to walk away...
bye....hoping for new leaves to sprang in the dead stem

cat

i am a cat.i am white in color.i beg in the backyards of every house in the neighborhood for my daily bread.i have to hide myself in the dark nights to protect myself from the brutal male counterparts of mine.
but one day i got raped brutally....by a scar faced cruel looking tom cat......he bite my neck and failed me physically to satisfy his momentary pleasure.and i haven't seen that big scar faced long tailed animal after that.i got pregnant...i got weak...i have to wander in search of food even in garbage with this .i gave birth to three cute kittens in the dark unused room in the backyard of a house....but have to keep changing the places from protecting my kids from predators which include many.every time i had to shift i had to take them biting them on the neck stretching my muscles.its hard.three of them always want milk.poor kids what does they know.one day  coming back after begging for food,i dint find my kids.i cried and wandered madly in search of them ,every nook and corner...i dint find any sympathetic face.no one seems to care..i cried and went every house searching for my beloved ones...may be that man would have carried them in a plastic bag and thrown them far away...my innocent ones dont even opened there eyes...but before the memories of my kids faded i was raped again and got pregnant again....i am weaker...but this time i'll bring up my offspring.

protagonist

this is role is so spontaneous and voluntary for him....repeating every dialogue ,every movement every expression like the first time ....a very deep rooted guilt has grown in his mind doing this character....every time he is on stage he ask in mind for forgiveness from Anne ...no...queen Jocasta....and for the last time i am performing the most tragic hero ever created

the excitement of doing Sophocles greatest tragedy was over by the first performance itself.....there after every stage was like a walk on the fire.....after knowing Anne was his mother in the first performance...he couldn't look into her eyes.....'i had sex with my own mother' the feeling strangles his mind every time....the line between Anne and Jocasta blurred after every performance...this stage will be the revelation...'i'll be a free man after this' he kept on saying during the play.....'i love Anne but i cant never lead a life with you"

with the end of every scene there riots in his mind.....he wanted to run free to some meadows plunging a dagger in his eyes....suffering for his sin....

the last scene is being performed.... Anne is mockingly hanged....but for his Jocasta is hanging dead in front of him.....like the son pleading for mercy in front of his mother ...he screamed holding the suspended feet of Anne "forgive me Jocasta forgive me please" he screamed....crying his heart out he fall on the stage.... Oedipus is being freed ...the shackles are being braked....but the brewing Oedipus complex inside him for Anne remained in his imprints....

the audience was clueless with the break down of the actor.....for them he has to continue suffering for his brutal sin....but the protagonist died moments ago....the bare man is crying loud blabbering.....along with the Greek maxim "no man should be considered fortunate until he is dead"

note:Oedipus is considered to be the greatest tragedy by Sophocles .the theme of the play is that Oedipus the unknowingly had to make Jocasta his queen,which is actually his true mother,at the end of the play he realizes his sin and punish himself for this .

after effects of addiction

I"M DONE

my blood yearns to burst out...

the blade made way for it...

even the pain of that is so bleak ..

with the pain of void she creates...

the hysterical variant of love which weakened me...

i cant contain you...

because you are too heavy for me...

time is not static and tormenting in your absence....

i cant bear you in me...

so i choose a way out...

EYES

i am lost for those eyes...

which was the only thing i could see....

rest was blurred when those eyelashes touched mine....

it draw me in like a blackhole...

looking at those glowing dark...

was the most intimidating sight..

which made me feel like i got only eyes intact...

i wont panic if i go blind hereafter....

becuase i saw her eyes....

Lo/s/t

never have i seen a night so blank.....

without a golden moon or stars to illuminate...

never have i ignored the drizzling from heaven...

never have i missed the bliss of lonliness...

you ruined my pleasures...

but i don't regret as long as you are there

to fill those voids

by an addict

i don't regret....just that it is what i want most at that moment

long since I've written something for my own...something personal...not that you care....but it is a relief for every writer....

from the day i got expelled...from the night i was caught up in the rat trap ....nothing went right....i was set free.again i run into those traps like a dumb little rat....rajesh, sreedevi...and whoever more engaged....you all succeeded in your aim...from the day you wrote testimony against me...my life has been derailed.....and destroying itself in all possible ways.....and somewhere inside i am loving my downfall like a sadist....i'm laughing like a mad man at my own destruction....how much i am trying to erase those memories.....it wont go.....it just haunt me..and irritate me...give a reason to degrade to all possible ways.....i became a constant complaincbox,a sadist,self confined....

may be the new place i'm put in is more a reason to grow in disgust.... incomparably small space for me to grow...view..think...

nobody in this world can convince me that i am gonna make't...nobody.... i strongly believe its over.....by far...no consolation can kill my darkness.....maybe because i am loving it dark.... because there you don't want to prove anything to anyone....just confine to core...blindly

yes all of you are absolutely right....i am fucking zero....

why i am in love?or what is it??she is stubborn,precise,rock,sensible,no rubbish,practical.....now i am opposite to all this....at times i hate her...like hell...now hatred is the only form of emotion i am available of ........all i know is am need of the 'she-dope' badly

i made every one sad,cry with my deeds....made everyone hate me....it helps in more confinement...a jail created by myself for me........

yet i don't regret....my freedom to think,write,express is at scrutiny....but am not bound to anything now....seriously i don't care what a psychiatrist want me to do....this is not depression...just a withdrawal from dreaming good and not getting it...think of nice things and not getting it is painful...so destroy all goodness....and live in hatred......if anybody is still looking for my complete downfall...i am trying it by my own hard

the word i love most is "bliss"

No way out!!!

He was freeze and fragile without having reign over his body…he laid down like a python after a royal meal…stagnant body flowed with vibrant emotions….he could sense death so near …may be a leap forward may open the doorway to mortality……he heard the whisperings of spirits so near yet so far…..or is it his sprit hanging over him adhesive to his body yearning for freedom ...he want it to let free….but his conscience opposed ,which grabbed his soul desperately….they are repulsive …yet once absence cause eradication of himself….he felt like god when he experienced only his soul and inner self rioted around a pale body….

Time passed….he was alone in his house….parents can come at any time soon…he has to get over from this …lost in this flowing reverie….or real??the grip is loosening further….walls jailed him….the floor he walked upon dint allowed him to make a move…the mosquitoes he killed made gothic music at his ears…he was made the prisoner of his surroundings …he begged for a return….but blackness drawn him more into it…everything is taking revenge on him..Everything he ignored resonated back in enormous power……..

He heard the calling bell ringing…..a chilling fear ran through him…dad and mom…they are back….

In desperate footsteps he reach the door…..he couldn’t even look straight…his head is gaining weight every second….his weakened body, blood shot eyes ,dried up lips gave a something- is- wrong signal for his parents….they were alarmed ,dad checked whether his temperature is normal….it was fine…smelt if there was alcohol consumption…negative…..now they are totally worried….mom almost broke ,is screaming to take him to the hospital…..but his inner consciousness want to resist mom’s opinion…. “going to hospital means life is shattered, once and for all”…….but he was too fragile to react…by that time dad started the car and was taking him to doctor….mom called up close relatives for help….he wanted to scream “don’t go to the hospital, please, I am begging, I’ll suicide if u go”…..but his mind’s roar came out only as murmurs….

He was straight away taken to ICU ….dad, mom and relatives waited outside praying for their child….after sometime doctor came out with a straight face and called up dad personally …. “Look...don’t create a scene…we are helpless….in his blood check we found high percent of narcotic content….he’ll be back to normal in some time…but we already have informed police…that is the legal procedure”

Dad was numb for a moment…then he burst out in tears and begged for mercy….but it was too late….

The whole family watched in tears when he was taken by the cops….but none wanted to talk to him….while his eyes was still blood shot may be of dope or tears….

R.A.W

I am pampering this stinky dick …in a rhythm of inertness...and this bloody bastard is groaning in pleasure…yes I am a slut….

This fat ass is chipping off the apple peel with his small knife…and enjoying his chivas regal along with my body...while that swine was treating upon me insanely, I recalled about the fat women and her small cute kids I saw on the street last night …the way the smaller one cuddled upon her breast out of love or security…I so want to be that child to enjoy the purity and ecstasy of motherliness…but the bitch of mine brought me into this world of brutal animals for whom women are just breast, ass and vagina to feed upon…there must be some reasons for her to drag me into this…but death would have been a better way out than any reason ….it still crates a chill in my heart on the day when she first pushed me into a dark room to get hunted …the killing pain of first blood of sin was overshadowed by the fact that my mother is a pimp ,a bitch who sold her daughter…from that day onwards I only had soul…body was just a commodity for strange men’s wildness….while these mad dogs do brutality on my dead half, my flesh, I wanted to scream at them “go fuck your own daughters!!!”…and my fucking mother who only wanted her own happiness and luxury never talks to me other that cursing my indifference towards “customers”….

This old python is not done yet….with alcohol as energizer to thrive upon me…if anyone of you reading this has your estrogen pumped up ….cut off your dick on your own…

No more submission….no more dark dreams….in a saturated moment of vengeance and womanliness…she took the knife and chopped off the fat man’s last evidence of being a male…with a mad smile she walked towards her mother and tore her apart in a complete bloodshed way….with an angles’ tranquility in mind and a blood stained, wounded beast’s look she walked out of that brothel…the knife was still in her hands luring with filthy red ……