it was that weary yellowed photograph which i kept in my secret collection took me back to the vintage part of my life.i can hear my son fighting with his mother when she found cigarette packet in his room....i couldn't say anything...i came to my room to find solitude from that clash of the titans......now i am at my convenient confinement inside that big house......to relapse into my college days ....i found that old lively pic of our gang....
that time resistant photograph is the replica of our times......that single frame have absorbed every vital ingredients of our age....a Walkman,panama cigarettes,big carrera shades, a pack of grass,beer bottles surrounded by five of us looking like tribes in laughter lost in a fantastic world of our own.....
it was the time of our lives ....where every second was a celebrated moment,every ride had new destiny,and every day had a suspense ....when we five guys found the pride in riding rx 100 roaring past the girls waiting for bus,long hair and beard admiring the hippie culture,and the motto was "drugs leaf and pink floyd"...
the nights when guys trip in those vast blue skies melting inside their thoughts forgetting the pain and residing over the illuminated night .....
the time when love was so sublime,subtle and less expressive that a glance means a burst opened champagne bottle....and every love lost creates a life sinking in darkness....soothing in grass and the musical chords of floyd,marley and jim morrison... mostly resulting in disastrous ends of depression....
Joe,the romanticist in our group,soft spoken like his words felt like the melting of dew drops.....colored our lives with his music and poems in those nights thawed with smoke and beer .....
one night changed our life ..like plunge back from our trippy world of colors to the black and white of reality....the long silence we have been noticing of joe had an abrupt end......sub conscious was the norm then.....Joe was in his own world.....always singing those famous lines "i have become comfortably numb" and playing those psychedelic chords in his guitar.....he was alone in his island... we used to say he is doping to enjoy his real addiction to depression....but none of us realy understood that he was enjoying a hallucinating darkness .....
the usual night in terrace ....transcending away to find new worlds.....no one really noticed Joe ....humming a song looking at the sky....."thoughts fill our life....images fill our life...sounds fill our life....when our senses are shut down we sleep in the bed of fantasy...every sleep is a replica of death....every blink is a reversion to death....that's when we go inside....to ourselves,were the real universe resides.....exploring every nook and corner ...escaping from all our senses and link towards the outside world...which is full of pain and havoc...so submerge to the inside world were there is no pain to suffer....to be comfortably numb.....i am done here....you guys coming??".....these words from Joe had a rhyme and blended beautifully in that night..
we actually were deeply thinking over what he was saying while he already jumped down from the hostel terrace to his inner world....the song "i have become comfortably numb" was playing in some recorder....our few seconds delay to fight back to consciousness cost our friend....after a pause ...there was noises all round....shouting ...alarm of ambulance.....tears....but all that time i was calm and i was inert upon his absence ....
now sitting in my room with a family and a highly paid job and plush to vane upon.....i miss something .....a comfortable numbness to sleep upon is missing..... and many a times in this busy life i miss my Joe, his music and his last words before silence......
Friday, August 10, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
The Name Is Balotelli
"I am a naturalized Italian,but i'm from Ghana.I was adopted by my parents and adopted by two angels.I suffer with racism everyday.I am the first black to wear jersey of Italy.I'm not angry,but my life experiences make me act differently from other people.Then try to learn before you criticize me!" these are words from Mario Balotelli,the so called most arrogant ,worst behaving footballer of present times.he burst out from the Olympic stadium without having the strength to see the Spanish side toying with azure army.
Balotelli is a symbol.....not representing blacks or any other "colour" which socity call is inferior......but a representation of the ,bullied,policed,alienated society.Every time that tortured soul was freed into the greened pitch he had something to show to the world,he was avenging the world,the parents who abandoned him,the people who made him a laughing stock,the managers who tied him up.The tears in his eyes when Spain lift the Euro cup, and he had to watch it from the lower podium is a sight that will not fade in time.That was the tears of a man who had to fight a cruel path in every turn of life ,down played and ridiculed by all and finaly made it to the biggest of stages ,but unfortunately the he could not lift the trophy of Europe.It would have been a rising hope for millions of people around the world living in dark corners of life to see Mario kissing the euro cup,the prestige of whites.
Media never saw the footballer in Balotelli until his scorcher against Germany in Euro semi final,they only saw the rebel,the ill behaved,short tempered "black monster".Football pundits also criticized his temperament,his failure to keep calm,but none appreciated or patted his talent.This is why i said he is a symbol for all those who are stamped rebels,anti social and rude, who are alienated from the society.no one seeks why he/she is like that,no one cares what these people experienced in life ,the hard ships and insult they had undergone.there will be always a scar in the hearts of people who you think are ill tempered and ill mannered.give them their space and dignity,dont follow them,leave them for their world and they will also live in peace.
Actually personalities like Balotelli is bullied by the society,when society and media does think that a person or institution is not pleasing in their norms and they get haunted everywhere,then it has to be a long tough road like Mario took to end up as a rising star to silence those cribbers and rise above hatred.Now its a two year wait to see whether the outlaw Italian can outwit predictions to lead azures to world cup victory!!
Balotelli is a symbol.....not representing blacks or any other "colour" which socity call is inferior......but a representation of the ,bullied,policed,alienated society.Every time that tortured soul was freed into the greened pitch he had something to show to the world,he was avenging the world,the parents who abandoned him,the people who made him a laughing stock,the managers who tied him up.The tears in his eyes when Spain lift the Euro cup, and he had to watch it from the lower podium is a sight that will not fade in time.That was the tears of a man who had to fight a cruel path in every turn of life ,down played and ridiculed by all and finaly made it to the biggest of stages ,but unfortunately the he could not lift the trophy of Europe.It would have been a rising hope for millions of people around the world living in dark corners of life to see Mario kissing the euro cup,the prestige of whites.
Actually personalities like Balotelli is bullied by the society,when society and media does think that a person or institution is not pleasing in their norms and they get haunted everywhere,then it has to be a long tough road like Mario took to end up as a rising star to silence those cribbers and rise above hatred.Now its a two year wait to see whether the outlaw Italian can outwit predictions to lead azures to world cup victory!!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
I AM god
6/5/2012
i was speeding back to home alone in my car.......tired in the midst of a long day of family function.....the sight that struck impulsively into my mind to stop my car, was the start to the destiny towards deity.....a guy in the bike crashed down to the road .....he raised his head in a final thrust ....then succumbed....when i was opening the door to get towards him i saw a girl having a look at him and running away screaming in fear....
when i saw him.....it was bloody...i only saw red glazing under the scorching sun.....there was head injury...the guy was in the midst of the traffic....spectators and commentators gathered around...no body was daring to touch the gasping life in my lap.....there was blame games all around.....only filthy meaningless human-less irritating voices....then one man helped me to take him aside of the road.....in that backlash someone put the guy's mobile into my pocket and slipped away into the crowd.....no one was willing to move or come near.....i shouted in insaniy "pls some bastard just come and help me to take the guy into my car....nothing more i am asking"....there was silence....i look around to see if there was any born- of -a -mother in the crowd.....i saw faces of progressive communists talking practicality of calling 108,believers who couldn't even look at the horrifying state of that guy, instead murmuring prayers.... at last one man took initiative to help me take the wretched body.....thankfully a police jeep came to the spot.....me and that man took the guy in the jeep to medical college.....i saw his leg was hanging broken...and saw flesh has got out from his leg....the strap of his sandal was tightening in that raw flesh ....i loosened the strap...he got admitted ....spectators with inquiries came around me,i was drenched in blood .....then i realized i din't remember to lock my car and even forget to take the key from the spot...but that fear was consoled by the fact that nothing is worth a life
i was not concerned in washing away my blood stain.....i was poured with a feeling 'i saved a life s '.....the blood and flesh din't held me back....the consequences din't made me think second....the intimidating sight of nearing of death din't let me down.....i was THE instinct...i was strength....if bastards gathered around me were humans.....then i am not a human...i was more than that...i was for that moment.....god.... savior.....a feeling that made me shed all my inhibitions , i may be a looser in life but now am proud to be me because iam fearless...i gave life.....I am god
i was speeding back to home alone in my car.......tired in the midst of a long day of family function.....the sight that struck impulsively into my mind to stop my car, was the start to the destiny towards deity.....a guy in the bike crashed down to the road .....he raised his head in a final thrust ....then succumbed....when i was opening the door to get towards him i saw a girl having a look at him and running away screaming in fear....
when i saw him.....it was bloody...i only saw red glazing under the scorching sun.....there was head injury...the guy was in the midst of the traffic....spectators and commentators gathered around...no body was daring to touch the gasping life in my lap.....there was blame games all around.....only filthy meaningless human-less irritating voices....then one man helped me to take him aside of the road.....in that backlash someone put the guy's mobile into my pocket and slipped away into the crowd.....no one was willing to move or come near.....i shouted in insaniy "pls some bastard just come and help me to take the guy into my car....nothing more i am asking"....there was silence....i look around to see if there was any born- of -a -mother in the crowd.....i saw faces of progressive communists talking practicality of calling 108,believers who couldn't even look at the horrifying state of that guy, instead murmuring prayers.... at last one man took initiative to help me take the wretched body.....thankfully a police jeep came to the spot.....me and that man took the guy in the jeep to medical college.....i saw his leg was hanging broken...and saw flesh has got out from his leg....the strap of his sandal was tightening in that raw flesh ....i loosened the strap...he got admitted ....spectators with inquiries came around me,i was drenched in blood .....then i realized i din't remember to lock my car and even forget to take the key from the spot...but that fear was consoled by the fact that nothing is worth a life
i was not concerned in washing away my blood stain.....i was poured with a feeling 'i saved a life s '.....the blood and flesh din't held me back....the consequences din't made me think second....the intimidating sight of nearing of death din't let me down.....i was THE instinct...i was strength....if bastards gathered around me were humans.....then i am not a human...i was more than that...i was for that moment.....god.... savior.....a feeling that made me shed all my inhibitions , i may be a looser in life but now am proud to be me because iam fearless...i gave life.....I am god
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
last meeting.
msg tone interrupted...
from unknown number: "hi :)"
reply:"whos dis??"
"guess:D"
"c'mon i dont hav d tym 2 play games.....say ur damn name or juz getlost "
"oh u still dis hot temprd ma old hero....am neha!!:) rmmr??"
fuck!! how can i forget ?? every time my message tone rings i look in excitement for this message eventhough i know it will never happen...my first love....first kiss...but on a first move i thought of replying "neha? who??"
but went against it....it will be a wrong one...i was excited to the core...i dont want to kill it with that stupidity
"hey! dis is a surprise,i thought u'll never contact me anymore...so sup?" i picked the words with utmost care
"am n kochi.....i'll b here for a week....if ur free can u pls drop by at ccd in d evenin??i hav somthin to tell...i wud hav called...but u know afta all dis year...i dint hav d guts to call u directly...so pls drop in by 4"
"oh ya ...ts k i'll come...wats d matter??"
"will talk directly....i hav a meeting to attend n a while....so c u at 4...ll b waitin"
i replied "oh k...cya den" .....
what the fuck.... am i a jackass..?? she wanted to end the relation saying some confusing reasons....and i was the one who was like a pathetic romeo all these years blabbering about her at every booze party.... shamelessly texted her without any replies....and now all of a sudden when she wants to meet up...i agreed to go?? noway!! fuck u assole...am not going anywhere
3:30
i put up my best shirt and was already on my way to ccd....i cant make her wait ....
yeah ...from our common friend i have heard that she got engaged....and her marriage is fixed ....i had a heavy night that day...but as i was used to the fact all this is gonna happen ...i tried to move on
so this meeting may be a clever way to warn me to not come up with any evidences of our relation to her married life like they show in movies ....fuck!! am i that cheap....i have our pics.... no...i wont..if that is what you have to say...assole i dont want to fuck your life in anyways....eventhough i have screamed a lot over phone that i'll screw you up on dopey nights.....
escaping the kochi traffic i reached ccd by 4...sharp....she haven't turn up yet ....
15 minutes later....she came...
my heart pumped up with all its might even after 5 continues fags before
she is always beautiful....and with that smile she is the best
'hi'
long time
yeah...loooooong time
we talked all that 'how are you...what you doing' talks
then she talked about her marriage without a trace of guilt..."bitch" i cribbed in mind....and asked me "hope you have moved on"
with a wry smile i said "yeah....of course"
i felt she has some thing mystique aura in her smile and talks ...that she wanted this meeting for something very personal which is hard for her to reveal easily....
atlast i asked....so you wanted me here to invite for your marriage ??
"hmm...i wanted to tell you something actually.... I've booked a room in Regal for tomorrow ....i want to talk to you very personally ...not in this atmosphere...its important"...in the most softest of voice
"no...tell me now know..."
"no...please come tomorrow....we'll have a whole day...and am getting late"
she left soon leaving me again clueless for the rest of the day.....will that guy Anurag ,her would be, come and beat me up.....was the extreme thing i could imagine
next day i set off to Regal...three star suit room...
she was waiting for me in the room....there was a full bottle Smirnoff on the table...
we started to talk....she still had that enigma in her behavior....usually she is damn straight forward and to the point...but not today.....she asked me to have the drinks....i lit a fag....then started my road to heights ....
she like old days......was already on the peak of her capacity within two shorts...eyes got drowsy ....and started to be on her own....talked freely....i was silent ....listening to her....she talked about old days...
"i wanna make love " that statement tore the veil
i had to rewind a second to clarify her statement
"fuck you" was first response
"ya....with pleasure"
"assole its your marriage next month"
"i know"
i took two quick shorts to kill the last traces of morality in me
she dragged me to the soothing comfort of the cozy bed....we have dreamed about a day like this during our relation...but it never happened...
the first kiss resumed ...and it was happening slowly yet wildly to devoid both of us to get out of that cosmic merging .....
and just when i felt this may result in a disaster in her life....i paused to ask her "are you sure....we don't even have a precaution...we are bare assole....and its your wedding "
"that's exactly why i choose this time....contraceptives kills the excitement ...and its the most safest time to have extra marital affair " she replied with a wicked wink.....
after all this years....i enjoyed the totality of the word FUCK
sweating in satisfaction...i lit a fag....
her face was so close to mine...and she give me one last kiss......
"do you what is the beauty of this moment??here ends our relation forever....this will be the last time we'are meeting...i'll be off to Bangalore tonight...." with that she deleted her number from my cell
i had a blank stare at her eyes....and finished my fag...
i dressed up and was ready to go....she was still in the bed...and she waved me off with that smile...
while i was riding back.....questions screamed in my head.....what is happening....she just made you a jack ass again??? was it a pay back of her guilt??is this is all i wanted from her??was i craving just for lust ??wasn't that love?? but there was kind of satisfaction in my heart i was seeking for all these years after that break up....and thought somewhat suppressed all the questions.....before i was struck by a bigger question?? is she going to give birth to my child ????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!
"aliya......kuppi medich vekku appachan acharumayi dhaaaaaaa varunnu" i called my friend to celebrate the end -of- a- relation status
from unknown number: "hi :)"
reply:"whos dis??"
"guess:D"
"c'mon i dont hav d tym 2 play games.....say ur damn name or juz getlost "
"oh u still dis hot temprd ma old hero....am neha!!:) rmmr??"
fuck!! how can i forget ?? every time my message tone rings i look in excitement for this message eventhough i know it will never happen...my first love....first kiss...but on a first move i thought of replying "neha? who??"
but went against it....it will be a wrong one...i was excited to the core...i dont want to kill it with that stupidity
"hey! dis is a surprise,i thought u'll never contact me anymore...so sup?" i picked the words with utmost care
"am n kochi.....i'll b here for a week....if ur free can u pls drop by at ccd in d evenin??i hav somthin to tell...i wud hav called...but u know afta all dis year...i dint hav d guts to call u directly...so pls drop in by 4"
"oh ya ...ts k i'll come...wats d matter??"
"will talk directly....i hav a meeting to attend n a while....so c u at 4...ll b waitin"
i replied "oh k...cya den" .....
what the fuck.... am i a jackass..?? she wanted to end the relation saying some confusing reasons....and i was the one who was like a pathetic romeo all these years blabbering about her at every booze party.... shamelessly texted her without any replies....and now all of a sudden when she wants to meet up...i agreed to go?? noway!! fuck u assole...am not going anywhere
3:30
i put up my best shirt and was already on my way to ccd....i cant make her wait ....
yeah ...from our common friend i have heard that she got engaged....and her marriage is fixed ....i had a heavy night that day...but as i was used to the fact all this is gonna happen ...i tried to move on
so this meeting may be a clever way to warn me to not come up with any evidences of our relation to her married life like they show in movies ....fuck!! am i that cheap....i have our pics.... no...i wont..if that is what you have to say...assole i dont want to fuck your life in anyways....eventhough i have screamed a lot over phone that i'll screw you up on dopey nights.....
escaping the kochi traffic i reached ccd by 4...sharp....she haven't turn up yet ....
15 minutes later....she came...
my heart pumped up with all its might even after 5 continues fags before
she is always beautiful....and with that smile she is the best
'hi'
long time
yeah...loooooong time
we talked all that 'how are you...what you doing' talks
then she talked about her marriage without a trace of guilt..."bitch" i cribbed in mind....and asked me "hope you have moved on"
with a wry smile i said "yeah....of course"
i felt she has some thing mystique aura in her smile and talks ...that she wanted this meeting for something very personal which is hard for her to reveal easily....
atlast i asked....so you wanted me here to invite for your marriage ??
"hmm...i wanted to tell you something actually.... I've booked a room in Regal for tomorrow ....i want to talk to you very personally ...not in this atmosphere...its important"...in the most softest of voice
"no...tell me now know..."
"no...please come tomorrow....we'll have a whole day...and am getting late"
she left soon leaving me again clueless for the rest of the day.....will that guy Anurag ,her would be, come and beat me up.....was the extreme thing i could imagine
next day i set off to Regal...three star suit room...
she was waiting for me in the room....there was a full bottle Smirnoff on the table...
we started to talk....she still had that enigma in her behavior....usually she is damn straight forward and to the point...but not today.....she asked me to have the drinks....i lit a fag....then started my road to heights ....
she like old days......was already on the peak of her capacity within two shorts...eyes got drowsy ....and started to be on her own....talked freely....i was silent ....listening to her....she talked about old days...
"i wanna make love " that statement tore the veil
i had to rewind a second to clarify her statement
"fuck you" was first response
"ya....with pleasure"
"assole its your marriage next month"
"i know"
i took two quick shorts to kill the last traces of morality in me
she dragged me to the soothing comfort of the cozy bed....we have dreamed about a day like this during our relation...but it never happened...
the first kiss resumed ...and it was happening slowly yet wildly to devoid both of us to get out of that cosmic merging .....
and just when i felt this may result in a disaster in her life....i paused to ask her "are you sure....we don't even have a precaution...we are bare assole....and its your wedding "
"that's exactly why i choose this time....contraceptives kills the excitement ...and its the most safest time to have extra marital affair " she replied with a wicked wink.....
after all this years....i enjoyed the totality of the word FUCK
sweating in satisfaction...i lit a fag....
her face was so close to mine...and she give me one last kiss......
"do you what is the beauty of this moment??here ends our relation forever....this will be the last time we'are meeting...i'll be off to Bangalore tonight...." with that she deleted her number from my cell
i had a blank stare at her eyes....and finished my fag...
i dressed up and was ready to go....she was still in the bed...and she waved me off with that smile...
while i was riding back.....questions screamed in my head.....what is happening....she just made you a jack ass again??? was it a pay back of her guilt??is this is all i wanted from her??was i craving just for lust ??wasn't that love?? but there was kind of satisfaction in my heart i was seeking for all these years after that break up....and thought somewhat suppressed all the questions.....before i was struck by a bigger question?? is she going to give birth to my child ????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!
"aliya......kuppi medich vekku appachan acharumayi dhaaaaaaa varunnu" i called my friend to celebrate the end -of- a- relation status
Saturday, March 3, 2012
peace
and the bhajan 'namah shivaya' by krishnadas exulted my soul umpteenth time....am still an atheist .....
i experienced fear.....real...to the core.... i saw 'exorcist'....i couldn't sleep alone....for the first time in life i had the feeling something is a whisker away to posses ......i had to go down and sleep with mom....
and i read the 2 books of the series 'shiva triology' ,good book ,not awsomest as some idiots claim...
so i kinda like the figure shiva....the shiva way of life....a sense of authoritative calmness......like vito corleone,he knows he is untouchable and unassailable ....but is as humble an ordinary soul.....and ya....he is the god of trippers ...and got a breed of akhoris who are finest trippers in india.....
i visited delli,agra,and jaipur....taj mahal is a thing of beauty to cherish life long.........
i watch intensely at the slow thick fumes from a cigarette ....it has very beautiful pattern to dissolve into thin air.....its so sensual how they go in a very holy buoyant way to merge with the world.... no resistance
i sense am nearing to that state where you are peacefuly satisfied with what you got...what you have.....
i send some book to you.....believe me i dont remember the name of the book.....and tried my hand in drawing.....its tough to draw you smiling....the frequency of disturbing you has reduced i think......
my friend once said once you have made sex with a girl you'll know how to behave decently with the ladies....logical concept.....
now i ended my confusion within .....each one of us behave in a unique way in different conditions.....basically everyone is alike....social positioning...identity ...dogmas....they pressurize you to be a stranger.....
i am at peace....i am reducing to be simple....no hate...no love....a tranquility where negatives and positives cancel each other :)
i experienced fear.....real...to the core.... i saw 'exorcist'....i couldn't sleep alone....for the first time in life i had the feeling something is a whisker away to posses ......i had to go down and sleep with mom....
and i read the 2 books of the series 'shiva triology' ,good book ,not awsomest as some idiots claim...
so i kinda like the figure shiva....the shiva way of life....a sense of authoritative calmness......like vito corleone,he knows he is untouchable and unassailable ....but is as humble an ordinary soul.....and ya....he is the god of trippers ...and got a breed of akhoris who are finest trippers in india.....
i visited delli,agra,and jaipur....taj mahal is a thing of beauty to cherish life long.........
i watch intensely at the slow thick fumes from a cigarette ....it has very beautiful pattern to dissolve into thin air.....its so sensual how they go in a very holy buoyant way to merge with the world.... no resistance
i sense am nearing to that state where you are peacefuly satisfied with what you got...what you have.....
i send some book to you.....believe me i dont remember the name of the book.....and tried my hand in drawing.....its tough to draw you smiling....the frequency of disturbing you has reduced i think......
my friend once said once you have made sex with a girl you'll know how to behave decently with the ladies....logical concept.....
now i ended my confusion within .....each one of us behave in a unique way in different conditions.....basically everyone is alike....social positioning...identity ...dogmas....they pressurize you to be a stranger.....
i am at peace....i am reducing to be simple....no hate...no love....a tranquility where negatives and positives cancel each other :)
Thursday, February 2, 2012
8
all my words,images,imaginations,emotions,illusions,feelings narrow down to 8 letters now.i will beat up,swear,stamp a fag on my hand,kill, for this 8 letters.i seriously don't care what others think.shameless .CAMIANPH. these 8 letters in its most perfected pro's and con's controls me more or less. shameless i admit...
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