anti clockwise

i was born now.....6 45 pm.....

sun is starting to bloom in west.....i am going to see her,to say good bye.....i am going to see her for the first time to say goodbye.............she asked me to come before she leave to some other place getting a new job....she want me to see her before that....on my way to see her for the first time.....while i was crossing the road...the car hit...blood flushed out .....i feel so fresh...but i couldn't see her...my love ...she might have left ....

i am walking back......now i saw her....for the first time...then she is crying and from her expression she is angry.....we are breaking up.......shouting at each other for reasons that does not have any validity..... because in my conscience i know we already are separated...

sun is moving towards east....am walking back like all others did.....surprisingly i saw her again in coffee shops ...parks....now we are going for movies together ......we are talking ...laughing.....this was before i saw her for the first time.....before we parted....

now my life starts......the clock with 12 on top....in clockwise direction it reads 11..10...9...8...........3...2....1....again 12... i need to get up and go to office......when it is bluish dark.....i drove to office.....after some hours...sun again moves from west to east.......dawn and dusk are similar in its color shade and feelings....both are confused about day and night........when sun starts rising in east...i get back home.......

i saw her for the last time she was most beautiful then.....there was a feeling....for the first time time in my life ironically it was the last time i could see her......i proposed her....its killing me that i cant see her again....

hereafter she does not have any speck of influence in my life...she is not there in my conscience hereafter......am a happy bachelor .....with absolute freedom....

now am a college student...so much fun...life to its fullest...then school...am getting older.....weaker ...so dependent......i need support from my parents to survive.....i can feel then...i was getting older smaller....and so cute....am crawling now.....so dependent that i need to cry loud to get milk from my mothers breast.....cant speak....cant walk...but then everybody cared about me....but as an entity i was so weak mentally and physically....cant even express my feelings other than crying loud...and too small that everybody carried me in their arms....

sun is fast moving towards east to die.....fading away....memories also fades.....i died.....i remember i was inside some bag ...no it was womb... that's what they call.....i was dad then.....

now am born.....in the middle of the road.....i am weak now also just like when i was dead years back.......and now there is no one to care like the days when i was so old i was crawling and crying all the time.....i need to start living by my own.....sun died in east ....and am breathing.....

some qustions i have to answer ...what came first in this world.....egg or hen??man or god??void or matter....

i am feeling a whole new energy inside now....life beckons......

exsex

bloody unruly sun woke me up....the golden rays were so disturbing.....the other half of the bed is unoccupied.....so she had left....there is a stiffness and pain for the body.....sunlight is warming the void she left.....i smelt that part of the bed....were she slept all night naked......i could feel the smell of her sweat.....compelling smell.....without bothering to put on any clothes....i lit the first cigarette for the day.....

last night was beyond words....night of satisfaction,wildness, ecstasy,total blissfulness.....call me a pervert or horny pig.....call her a whore or bitch....and the night ...a one night stand and the room a brothel....i don't care....as long as both of us enjoyed the most purest feeling in its totality....

was it the darkness in the room that made us so secured....and completely occupied....or was it the rain which silenced all other noises.....or was it the cold that made us so craving for warmness of nakedness.....i enjoyed every inch of her......wandering like a nomad through her body....i can't remember the nasty words she whispered in my ears....curse the weed or i could have cherish those lusty words ever in my life...

all contradictions about gender differences starts in bed...in fact that contradictions is what make sex beautiful.....and the moment of supreme ecstasy all the contradictions and paradoxity of sexual differences dilutes to oneness.....at that moment there is no male and female.....like we push out the pulp from a wound...immense pain and delight merges at one point......the paranoid is about sex is that all inconsistency about gender start and stop there only...not beyond that....

sex made me realize love was always secondary......it was this crave or curiosity about lust that made love engaging........morality preachers .....i now know you were wrong or fake.....sex educators all your theories are wrong.....and all holy books which stamped the existent deed of life as sin ......i now know you were written by impotents......the purest form of emotions is all considered bad...now i know......

night always has a annoyance of sleep.....sometime late in night after so much of madness....both of us slept....hugging the nudity.....

the chimes in the room made music only in the morning.....she left nothing in the room..other than a note....."thanks for the wonderful night;)" ...girl...don't know i'll see you again.....but i really want nights like that again.........

punishment

scene1
a dark room with an incandescent light.everything inside the room in chaos.the phone is ringing...looks like its the only thing live in that room...a man completely naked with unshaven beard and long hair....walked up slowly to pick the call....man doesn't wanted the dark silence to be disturbed more....he picked the call and whispered...call him the sinner....and the man at the other end friend.

friend:man.thank god u pick the call....i was all scared...you OK?? you dint do anything foolish right??

sinner:foolish??you think the message i send you was a foolish one??and am not all right...after the punishment only I'll be satisfied....

friend:you cant be doing this....this is absurd....

sinner:you are the only person I've to tell....and even you don't disagree the acts I've done is worst than sin....worst than a psychopath can do...I've to go through this

friend:but...but....this is sick man..now u live in the right path...that is the best way of correcting yourself....in the name of punishment you are doing madness...leave punishment to god

sinner:if there is a god who punish..there should have been a god who would have saved you from evilness...no damn god was there then...fuck your god........and..realizing that you are a sinner ,dint made me feel good...it was bad...but when i decide to punish myself....i am feeling better and peaceful

friend:you better die than doing this...i don't want to see you in that fucked up state

sinner:i thought about death...but its an easy escape...that's more than a relief than punishment...i am hanging up....i can't see you again...haha....

saying that he hung up the receiver.....there unclear shout from the other end before the receiver hit the deck

scene 2: man walks to a table which is the only thing kept clean and tidy...with a cutting edge knife placed on it....he took it slowly....sweat is sprouting from his forehead......with his two fingers he widened his left eye..and moved the knife closer toward the eye...another moment....it was blood all over.....knife replaced eye....he removed the knife....with shivering hands...he moved the knife to the right eye... the cutting edge of that knife that knife was the last sight in the rest of his life.....

no love

i hate love.....
the four letters are beautiful when combined....
but never in its soul.....
inside it hides evil....
from hatred jelous selfism and sadism....
love transforms but never get pure.....
if it does ,its not love ....
you call hate negative which is authentic
and love positive which is stained by bonds
all who praised love praised a emotion that is so untrue to itself.....
love never has a meaning for its own......
if lust is sin....love is satan.....
love is dope that confuse more when you take't more........
i dont want to loose my peace
so,i love hate not love.....

relics of 70's

smokes from the cigarette was not given the time to dance in front of eyes......it was taken aback to the past by the roaring wind.....i could see the sights of present fading away to memories of past....the rails seems so blurred in distance...
sitting in the stairs of howra express ...i am virtually sitting in the boundary of freedom and constriction...in front of me i have the vastness of nature unfolding and oblivious with pace...and behind me the lives from all parts of the country with subjected smell of toiled sweat and the stinking odour of toilet....
i took out the small piece of paper from my pocket.....a letter rather.....it wavered in the moving wind....holding it tightly i read the scribbled words again...for me it was the most beautiful hand writing..... "i was praying for this date of your release....i am safe...please don't come in search of me....i wrote this letter only to make sure that i am alive.....forget everything ....start a new life...and i plead don't follow this letter -shakti" did i smelt sourness of her tears?
how could she write this to me.....how could she skip the thoughts of us being together arguing over rebellious thoughts...the poems that bleed revolt and love.....the speechs which ignited the armed struggle of 70's....my comrade turned lover.....after i was jailed...this is the first letter i got from her...that too before my release....after long 8years....everything changed....there is no trace of the movement which inspired us....every one now is confined to their own world....carrying the burden of ignorance.....
now i am following the address in the letter......with train's pace lowering as it neared kolkota...the breeding ground of radicals....the pace of heart beat raised....now i am in wanga soil...walking under the scorching sun .....i wandered through the famously narrow slums of kolkata searching for the address....but everyone i asked gave me disgusting looks.....even though drenched in sweat i sat down at a tea stall....drinking a hot black tea and cigarette....my favourite combo..i enquired the chaiwalla about the address....he pointed to a shabby house opposite...a molten core of emotions gaining weight.. i walked towards my destiny...with each step in... it got darker....it was more filthier inside than outside.....a fat women interrupted me...."what you want?" i whispered "shakti"....."rs 500" she replied in a rude tone....heart couldn't orchestrate with reality....i knew what was happening ....but i just want to be inert to reality for that moment....the wooden door open up before i saw my divine soul in the most wrecked state.....eyes spoke ....there was drought in her eyes....if there was an another second i would have rushed up to her and hugged her...instead she closed the door firmly....i stood numb for some moment...and walked back without a reason to return....
now back in howra station with a burning cigarette in my lips waiting for the return train.....i pity myself....and 70's.......

the last laugh

he was not like the raging sea....he was not like the ghastly wind.....but he donned the ferocity of both....he seldom talks.....his eyes was clear and his dead stare was the last word in 'sandokhan'...in the corners of sandokhan the fellow bandits refers to him as 'cold death'...because no one has ever seen him having any shades of smile.....that out marked him from the rest of brutal pirate world

....he was known through the weary pages of past.... ...the suicidal warrior of 'sandokan'...no one knows his past..no one dare to ask......from the time of his blood stained fame in the dark seas he was the devil of sandokan.....he is un moved in front of outrageous sea....loot after loot...bloody victories followed...sandokhan and cold death was undisputed in the catastrophic blues....but he never smiled over the marauding victories.....but silently sails sandokhan to further destinies....

but here he was caught alive by the king's men.....there was vane looks on the royal men on getting the 'king of sandokhan'.....with his hands tied behind and made him to sit on his knees...his stare still created a chill among the wise men....
"so you are the cold death,the ravaging captain of sandokan' asked one of the king's men who is assigned to kill sandokhan king
more acute stare
'do you know your reign in these dark seas is coming to an end tonight in my hands'
a slightest of smile
'you whore born....feel the edge of my sword before i want to sea your dead eyes in fear of death'
a roaring laugh followed.....for the first time the fellow pirates saw there captain smile...that too at his dieing moments....it dint last long...blood splattered out from his Adam's apple....but his last face had that smile in him.....the last laugh of 'cold death'
was he a good or bad..i don't know....but the last laugh was even more confusing than his whole enigmatic life.

is there a reason to live in the paradise lost??

from here i look above..to that world you say about
i wanted to go high up and kiss the twinking cosmos
the glimpse that i got of peach of beauty....
which cannot be contained in your cells of imagination....or dreams beyond reality checks
here bawl is not the signal of life from the womb of creation
wisdom by birth leaves the lives without any opportunity to get stained
in this magnum opus of perfection conflict for power is an ellusion,
forms of betrayel,revenge,cause an effect wont be a reason to bleed
the hierarchy starting from the enslaved almighty to its vandalizing patrons to free blemishes of anarchists cant be seen anywhere....
my call of instincts wont haunt here when there is no trace of hunger or desire of flesh...
militon's seven sins is the armeggedon which never happens in his paradise.....
i am dropping down....with no grip to hold....
is there a reason to live in thy world???
where spirits are ultimate by birth.....
where there is no thoughts to disturb...no ideologies to fray...
where dogmas wont intrude the existence.....
is there a reason when the the strugle i am captivated with has no meaning ??
is there a reason where there is no feces to get rid of or any bread to stuff in??