ഈയാംപാറ്റ

അവള്‍ പറഞ്ഞത് വീണ്ടും എന്റെ മനസ്സില്‍ കൂടി കടന്നു പോയി .
"എവടെ വേണമെങ്കിലും ഞാന്‍ ഇറങ്ങി വരം"
എന്റെ ഏകാന്ത ജീവിതത്തിലെ ആദ്യ വിജയമാന്നു അവള്‍ .കുറച് അപ്പുറത്തുള്ള റെയില്‍വേ ട്രാക്കിലൂടെ അതി വേഗത്തില്‍ ട്രെയിന്‍ കടന്നു പോയത് അന്ന് ആദ്യമായി ഞാന്‍ ശ്രദ്ധിച്ചു ,അതിന്റെ ശബ്ദം എന്നെ അസ്വസ്ഥമാക്കി .ഇന്നു ആദ്യമായാണ് എന്റെ ഈ മുറി എത്ര ചെരുതാനെന്ന്നു എനിക്ക് ബോധ്യമാകുന്നത്‌ .നഗരത്തിന്റെ കോലാഹലങ്ങളുടെ അടുക്കളപുരത് എന്റെ മുറി .മാസ വാടക മുന്നൂറി അന്ബത് രൂപ ,മുറിയിലുള്ള ഏക വെളിച്ചം അന്പത് വാട്റ്റ്‌ ബള്‍ബ്‌.മുറിയുടെ മൂലയില്‍ ഉള്ള തടി കട്ടിലില്‍ കീറിപറഞ്ഞ മെത്ത.മൂട്ടയും പാറ്റയും സുഖമായി എന്റെ കൂടെ ഇവടെ വിരഹിക്കുന്നു .അപ്പുര്രമുള്ള ഓടയില്‍ നിന്നുള്ള ഗന്ധം വര്‍ഷങ്ങള്‍ക്കു ശേഷം വീണ്ടും ഇന്നു എന്നെ ഒക്കാനപെടുത്തി.
ജീവിതത്തില്‍ ആദ്യമായാണ് ഞാന്‍ എന്റെ പരിമിധികള്‍ മനസിലാക്കുന്നത് .സത്യത്തില്‍ എനിക്ക് പരിമിധികളെ ഒള്ളു ....ഒരു ഉണക്ക വക്കീല്‍ തെണ്ടിയുടെ പരിമിധികള്‍ ..മനസില്ലാക്കാന്‍ വളരെ വൈകി .
ഒരു പാറ്റ പറന്നു വന്നു ചുമലില്‍ ഇരുന്നു ...അവള്‍ക്കു പാറ്റയെ പേടിയായിരുന്നു .നെഞ്ചില്‍ വല്ലാത്ത ഭാരം ..കണ്ണുകളില്‍ നനവ്‌ പടരുന്നു ...ബള്‍ബിന്റെ വെളിച്ചത്തില്‍ ഈയാംപാറ്റകല്‍ പാറി പറക്കുന്നു ...ചിലത് ചിറകു കൊഴിഞ്ഞു താഴെ വീഴുന്നു. അവള്‍ എനിക്കൊരു ഭാരമാണ് .ഞാന്‍ പോലും എനിക്കൊരു ഭാരമാവുകയാണ് . ട്രക്കിലൂടെയുള്ള അടുത്ത ട്രെയിന്‍ പതിനൊന്നു മണിക്കാണ് .
അടുത്ത ദിവസത്തിലെ പത്രത്തിലെ ചെറിയ കോളം വായിച്ചു :അഞ്ജാത ജഡം കണ്ടുകിട്ടി

a broken dream (thought evolved after seeing inception)

we all dream while sleeping.dreams are unreal for us,sometimes it disturbs you,sometimes it comforts you.some dreams are incomplete,before the next picture we will wake and we stray behind that uncompleted phantom.we long for that dream to get completed ...but that never happens....the climax of that deception is lost in unreal world...we cant regain it.
now imagine we are dreaming,our life is a dream....everything around is a mere projection.relations,structures,emotions,disaster,achievement....evrything....that was all dream....we were all sleeping and is still sleeping.....we are not living....we are dreaming....we are living in dream......and we are trying to complete our dream..in our own way...but thats not possible........dreams are unreal...our world is unreal....
and it is death that wake us up...to reality...suddenlt when your heart beats drop to death...you get up as you where in a dream..just like we wake up from our dreams while we sleep at night....death wakes us up from the dream called life....then you understand....the life you thought you have conquered or lost was just a passing fantacy....death calls us to life...calls us to shed our dream....evry dream has to come to an end ...so as the dream like this unreal life....death is where the real life starts......

amrita-peace is here

amrita......its not a college its a heaven.love is every where in this place situated in a peaceful outskirt which was once an elephant corridor....becuase of massive defoerestration for increasin facilities for students,villagers thank amrita that no animals disturb them nowadays.
amma is the soul and spirit of this college where they dont just educate but educate values.values which the new uncultured genration shuold hold on. freedom is valuable here,in amrita you are not just humans...but boy and girl...two different species..and make them understand 'our culture'....should not be forgotten.amma's favourate lord krishna may be a flirt and may had ten thousand wives...but amma forgive him....and making the new generation walk on the right path.god has the right to giva and take life,so no respect should be given to any death cases inside campus.
the MBA girl who jumpd to death due to unknown reasons have no right for any last respect.blood in the floor was swept to drainage by the cleaner.thats how it should be.how can she take the power of god??that too inside amrira ,temple of amma??
indian culture is held high in amrita....jeans and t shirt are taboo....but full sleeve shirt and formal pants are to b used....no its not being slave of colonialism...ts 'our culture'.
perfection is amrita.....so why should one question anything in amrita?pramod...the aposthal of indian culture not even allowed the song 'maule mere maule'....how can a watch dog of 'our culture' allow such a terrorism song in the peaceful atmosphere of amrita??
the criminals are to be dismissed....the criminals who write,raise voice or even question the spiritual i stress spiritual but non religous scheme of amrita should be expeled.indeed they should be hang to death....how can you rebel against the purifying ambience of amrita.
students sorry disciples live here without any complaints...becuase they ae given everyhing they needed ...
in amrita no one cries,except criminals.they deserve to cry.

My shooting star

Her grey invaded hair and thick framed glasses that covered

the feminine form of Guevara eyes  ,

The eyes I admired most and the gaze which radiated freedom

Her empathy for the warriors of forest made me her acquaintance

Words from her which had no holds to bar draw me into her

The fury in her that tremble the mighty made me fearless

The rebel but serene self of her lit hope among lives in dark,

The liberated soul had the whole of sky to fly free,

But I am still here struggling to break out of my cage.

Confession

It was yet another boring day in the campus.i was back in the hostel as there were no classes in the afternoon session.my frustrations always increased inside the four dull walls of our hostel room.time passed by, we guys went to have evening coffee from the mess hall.me and my close friend ,ajay,who is my 'comrade' for all the mischevious activities,went to the side of our hostel where the outside village of amrita campus is visible.while i sip down the coffe i looked at the non-amrita world through the grills.a student in amrita can got out only once in a month from the campus,that too clearing hectic formalities.while i was looking outside thrugh the steel grills,the free bird inside me was urging to flee out from our lifeless campus.without asking too much questions to myself,i asked ajay "i'm fed up sitting inside this hell,can we jump out and free ourselves??"
after a long stare through the grills,he gave me a positive wink,and that was the thumps up for the operation.
we observed the paddy fields outside the grill and watched the way farmers are moving ,to make out our path clear in minds.
the plan was fixed at 7'oclock at night,beause its the time when wardens and attenders go to mess hall.while we were gearing up for the operation so many thoughts passed through my mind.for students in ther colleges,jumping out of hostels may be walk in the park,but for an amritian its like prison break.if caught,a minimum of two week suspension is guarenteed with a good amount of fine.the other thing that came to my mind was that ,there is nothing we can do if we jump outside,as the campus is situated in a village area.there are only paddy fields and a small railway station.the only hang out near by is a 'dhaba' where we get non veg dishes and cigarettes which are taboos in amrita.so dhaba was the aim.
both of us got ready,some of our roommates warned us not to go.as it was our final decision they couldn't argue much and gave money to buy food and cigarettes from dhaba.
we folded our pants upto thigh height and wore dhotis to get a look of farmers.at around 7'o clock,we went near the grill and made sure no one is watching,then both of us climbed up and got out of the campus.just outside the giant grill,there is a hut of a farmer.so we have to move very carefully. there were no lights around,all we could see is the light from the hut.we slowly walked through the fields,we passed by wild bushes and trees in the darkness.that time,the only fear in our minds was snakes and scorpions which can show us the way to hell with one bite.the way was long,unlike we thought as the fields were large in area.as we moved on we heard the stray dogs barking and howling.the barks of dogs became closer.we threw some stones in the direction of the barks.nothing bad happened as we moved further to find the ettimadai railway station.we removed our dhotis and unfolded our pants before we crossed the railway station.after that the road was smooth with street lights on.but every time a vehicle passed by,we hid our selves in the road side bush fearing that it may be some one from the campus.after a five minute walk we reached dhaba and ordered eggrolls for roommates and for ourselves.the reason to buy egg rolls is that it is cheap and is a stomach filler.both of us lit a cigarette and enjoyed the freedom from our "prison" college.altough we smoke frequently inside hostel bathrooms,a smoke from outside is a huge relief as there is no need to be afraid of crooked wardens.we packed the egg rolls and started walking back to the college.we crossed the railway station and found the place were we left our dhotis.we wore it again and started walking back through the paddy fields.but this time the barks of dogs were louder and clearer.as we both reached the middle of a field the barks was so clear and we could see the sparkling eyes of stray dogs.this time we lost every grain of our guts and started to threw evrything that came in our hands.this worked and the dogs with drew to the darkness,but there were barks and howls all over the place.after crossing three big fields we reached near the back of our hostel.we could then see the lights in our hostel rooms .may be becuase of the noise made by the dogs, a man came out from the hut and switched on the flash light on us.
in a split second ajay seized my neck and made me lay on the bare ground.at that point we were virtually laying on that paddy field. i could smell the moist soil as we saw the flash light searching on the bushes near to us.we could hear our heart beats during those seconds.after few minutes lights went off and we called our roommates through mobile phones and made sure no one is near the grills.after we got the green signal from our friends we climbed back and got inside the campus.
every one was curious to hear about our venture. we shared the eggrolls and didn't really mind the small bruises caused by spines of bushes.the eggrolls were tastier that day,dont know why.
the very next morning ,while we were on the way to college we glanced throught the giant grills and looked each other with smile in our face.
the reason why i gave the title as 'confession' is becuse,as we were journalism sudents we were supposed to write a campus story.our ma'am will decide the topics we select.me and ajay was in one group,and we slected a topic on the students jumping out from the college illegally,like we did.our ma'am was afraid to proceed with that topic, so she said a big 'NO'.but i insisted a lot to take that topic,after all we are doing it,not her.she challenged us that if we have the spine to write down a confession letter about our jump out with signature,she could allow us to take up that story.think she doubted our genre ,any how i wrote the whole operation in black and white with siganture and gave it to her.but she still couldn't allow us to take up that story.....cowards die many time,but a valiant only once.

Spirituality,a business

Our country , india is intertwined with many religions,even more number of castes and sub castes which no other country may have.People in our country have a strong bond with their respective religions and they cant imagine lifes without gods,temples,prayers and traditions.iIthink its becuase of this attitude of people that rationalist parties like CPI,CPI(M )is confined to three states of twenty eight sates in the country.Only contries like pakistan,sri langa,nepal,bangladesh which constitute indian sub continent is having this strong religious sentimence,the reason for this is still not sure.




As a result of this intense religious mood prevailing in the country a more holier version called spirituality started to germinate.In this new edition its a person who self proclaims that he is the avatar of god or he'll show you the way to god.Most of these spiritual leaders or the "god-man" are propogaters of hindu religion than other religion becuase of this religion's majority in the country and its mythologocal background.One can notice that the recognition and growth of these "spiritual leaders" are phenomenal.As soon as they get well establisehd and the people got trust in them they slowly launch their business programes like muti speciality hospitals,schools,colleges in the name the these "spiritual saints" .If we look into these institutions one will go awestruck on seeing its plush infrastructure and faclities.People leave lavish praise on these organisations without thinking about the financial source of these institutionsand most of these institutions claim that they are getting financial backup from foreign institutions and foreigners also donations from native followers.In the educational institutionals they have a hidden agenda of promoting the views of the owners or our "spiritual leaders".


HOW PEOPLE GET ATTRACTED TO THESE FAKE SAINTS?


Its an universal truth that everybody in this earth is having some or the other problem.In this new and fast moving world people are having stress,tension,family problems and all kinds of difficulties.All these kind of problems accumulate togather and onje gets mentally weaker as tie progresses.The only way to relese all this stress is liberate youself or free yourself. The best way to do this is by telling your problems to someone and scream or cry or watever way one like to express.A person with more will power can sit alone and think where he went wrong and how to tackle his flaws.But in the present


quick paced world one really dont have the time or mentality or the environment to do this in practical.So people for a last resort come to visit these "god's men" and here they are recieved with a very holy ambience like someone in saffron outfit is singing songs or "bhajans" or watever they call't and lights and loads more.So most of the people will be mentaly relaxed by this atmosphere and in the second step they'll unveil all their diifficulties and problems to "god's men" gifting them with fruits and all ,like that offerings made in temples.After disclosing all their difficultie and bursting out with emotions one will feel they had attained ultimate salvation ,thats nirvana.But none of them is realising this freedom of mind can be acheived in a very lonely place hugging your pillow and unwrapping all difficulties and pronblems or telling all this to your most dearest person in life.Instead you go and offer friuts and all listen to those "bhajans" and unveil your mind whose completly unknown to you.Feel pitty on youself dear friends....


Be strong in heart and solve problems by yourself istead falling prey to those fake "saints"

Doomed day

"Get up you lousy drunkard"that voice disturbed my sleep,a very peaceful nap.when i opened my eyes i saw the most hated figure in the hostel in front of me,warden. there was no other second for restoring my mind,i was pulled up and dragged outside my room.still in sub consciousness i was clueless of what was happening.i saw my friends around with worried faces.sleep,left over dreams,hang over.....all this took me another minute to fix the situation..."yes i was caught for boozing in hostel".that was the charge.i was taken to wardens room,he was shouting at me ,but for me it was a backgroung sound becuase by now the scene was clear for me,my name was reported by my classmate.wardens was geeting testimony from him,i watched that helpless.'yes sir he boozed overnight and abused me" said that guy without daring to look at my eyes.time is 1 45 am.Six of us drunk last night around 11 as a part of the farewell of ur dearest guest faculty,he was leaving the campus for new job.sir brought us two half bottles of vodka to the hostel,just becuase we forced him.six of us finished the bottle and surprisingly we gave one peg to the most decent guy in our class,gentle man and all according to others!!,becuas he promised long before that he will drink with us for once.so we gave a peg and he finished it in a second.night got more fuzzier .we danced with music on,and went to give the birthday bums to one of our engineering friends.everything was kick ass fun....after all that i did the mistake of my lifetime,can't call it a mistake,it was the outrage of the clotted frustration......i went and called up rakesh who was sleeping"what the fuck you wanna do to me eh??u wanna do something do it now asshole"....after shouting at him i went to sleep with serene content.i was having having dislike towards him  from second year,before that we were best buddies in the department,although we believed in diffrent ideologies.many a times i made heard his words and jumped into troubles,but i never hated him,but he was over influenced by one of our faculty members and slowly got seperated from us.but i never talked to him after that and never did any harm to him by anymeans but always had frustration towards him as he was becoming a slave of that faculty member , that night with venom in i lost my control and yelled at him.
Now i am here ,warden's room confessing with much pressure and torturing.all five of us were taken to main gate to confirm our mistake with alcohol detector.65,60,55,50,50...read the detector.....all nails screwed.then we were taken back.by that time rakesh also said that it is our sir who brought the bottles.we were again brought back to warden's room....we guys were getting all tired and weak as the time went on.then started the raid.wardens checked  outside our rooms and to worker's area,they got one full sack of liquor bottles which they said was ours.we pleaded like any thing "sir believe us its not ours,for mother sake believe us".every one reached their breaking point.we were framed ,closing all doors.i saw smiles and dry jokes from wardens.they got their meal.we were tired to that extent were we where not able to plead.At around 6 30 we were abandoned by wardens.after confessing,begging,torturing,cruel jokes we hit our beds.

at 10 30 we woke up,while i was in toilet warden came to and asked all of us to get ready,soon,with no space given to bath we were packed,i was not even allowed to brush.i swallowed some tooth paste to convince habits. we were taken to deans office .we were awarded a sem out....."go have some chilled beer in your house and enjoy the holidays" was the response of dean when we begged.i stopped beeging.i knew it was final.memo was drafted.we were instructed to vacate the hostel rooms .....with no time to spare we were kicked out of the campus.
with bags full of luggage's.all five and our sir at in the dhaba ....after long time silence we started to lift ourselves up...to change the mood...we started cracking jokes......we smiled after hours...as time passed,each one of them left to their homes,for the first time in two years every one left home with shame and agony.our sir and vishnu left to Bangalore....me and siva stayed in the daba.....thanks to the poor workers of dhaba who spared there food and gave us space t sleep that night.
with minds getting black out and life asking "how to move on?" we slept in the dhaba floor without dreams or aspiration to hope.

edited facts and jokes:
1 .)sixth guy who boozed with us and the seventh,the gentleman who took one short was not dragged into the issue.we never wanted also
2.)when we were infront of deans office waiting for the call.hari(co culprit) said:"dude we are gonna get famous and we'll get girls and fans....thats the history of suspension in this college"
3.)just after we were kicked out of campus,sir asked us:"shall we go and have a chilled beer guys?"
4.)before all this happened we guys made a farewell presentation for our sir to screen in class,fate,we five and sir sat in dhaba and saw the presentation in our laps.
5.)we consoled each other saying "suspension alle,petrol pump onnumalallo?"

The last day

This is the last time I am going to that place, hereafter am  a trespasser. My heart gained weight when I enter our corridor the place where our presence felt the most, our laughter’s, comments, where we walked pulling our low waist jeans up every time it drags down, even the hard slap that I gave….those lost moments are priceless, they wont stand still, it get distorted as time moves on. the last hugs from friends ,actually it was more than friendship……..it was five guys from very different worlds but had a very common thing  ‘come what may, we are like this  ‘……….but now  we are no fire brand…those eyes look dispirited ……..i forget how to cry…..its getting late…..time to leave……..without looking back….passing by the past. I couldn’t look at anything back……
After few weeks I saw everyone’s pictures in a social network, everyone smiling enjoying every bit of some occasion ……seems like I never was there with them….nothing has happened………I am the one who lost them…..they had everything…. ‘Move on ‘ they say……..for me its ‘now what?’

:D

Suspended between life and death for almost eight hours….life had more gravity on me…..death ignored my weakness to live….here I am again …..to start everything from a scratch

Rush of blood

I could see my blood oozing out in rush to turn the clear water red, red as vine. I could no more see my hand inside the pool of water. It was so thick red. These are the last moments of my life, life of a unsuccessful angry human. The journey is coming to an end; I am going to understand the greatest truth about life, death. It’s most confusing. Is it the life we lived or rather survived is real or death, the unknown, the enigma is real.
I always wished to walk into death with a smile, like the greatest revolutionaries did,but here I am not killed…or hunted….system made me to do this.am loosing mind,ts getting blur everthing around me looks so disturbing ….even the sound of water drops echoed with million decibels .
I cant write more, every system is going down..weakening …Am leaving to the undiscovered life…..love you all…
hastalavictoria siempre

I QUIT

I QUIT WRITING.......ONLY WEAPON I HAD ALSO HAS BEEN FREEZED .THANK YOU ALL WHO FOLLOWED MY BLOG.

a run into instinct....

i ran faster that day...fastest in my whole life.mind was black and eyes  all white."cross the bridge with all the enrgy you have " was the only thing in my consciousness.
we three including shiv n vish were comin back all tired after a  trekking in the  cliff  near our campus.on the way back theres a railway bridge,one line bridge ..once you are in the bridge you cant walk side ways....walk straight or jump down to death.when we three came close to the bridge a train was coming from the opposite direction and we just went aside the bridge waiting for the train to pass by.as the train was approaching ....shiv just asked casualy 'if anyone can cross the bridge now i'll give you 500bugs"..
'you sure?' i am all excited. 'yes he replied'
without another moment to waste i ran hard to cross the bridge....the glimpse of the train which i felt had the only intention to hit me and fail me in the bet ...it was roaring towards me to win its might.the sound made by my footsteps on the old metal plates of bridge was louder than the noise of train's engine.

i ran faster that day...fastest in my whole life.mind was black and eyes  all white.'cross the bridge with all the enrgy you have " was the only thing in my consciousness.leaving behind soul i reached past the death bridge seeing  my opponent just finishing behind  me...loosing.
it was not the five hundred bugs that made me run but was the instinct that pushed me to run.i enjoy my instincts,that rush of blood,that spark of a second...i love my instinct.
i dedicate this post to shiv.love you 4...me the fifth.....n us the gang

drops dat purify......

i don't want to be the little Johny who asked rain to go away.....why cant he play in rain?
just look out from your window when it rains..when drops drips slowly from the grills you could watch a brand new canvas of nature reveal in front of you...when each element of nature become beautiful frame for your eyes.when the first drops from the unknown paradise above kisses the earth i can smell life...the smell that symbolize the love made by two worlds...
i could feel nature exulted when heavens pour down on her.....purifying her past odds....i saw them dance in trans with the wild wind with more and more thirst for her love,her addiction,her rain. the music it creates with each object in earth as an instrument to create the song of universe.
i can no longer stay back behind the window grills...i want to get absorbed in that wild but serene phase of nature,for that playing football in rain is a good option.football and rain is a intertwined combo which couldnt be seperated.the game which is a fervor for mankind and rain which is the same for nature.playing on bare foot feeling the pulse of earth ,who cares for the stained clothes......rain swept my sweat like a mother does for her child.
every good thing have to come to a halt......very slowly rain withdrew back to the world above.

but the very next morning was nature wearing her most beautiful outfit.....like a woman after shower....soaked but tranquil.the golden rays from sun warming her ...but still those drops left back by heavens in greenery tricles down with the crave for making more love.

the bullet getaway.

my new friend was more or less mad like me......talks n talks....we get close very easily
i told her once that i would like to roam around whole of India on a bullet.and i would live in naxal affected areas and redirect the present extremist movement and I'll walk towards death like a baby who doesn't know the fear of death...smiling. she said she would also come along with me....and we'll die togather."we'll leave exactly after 3years on a friday at 10 50pm".becuase it was on a friday 10 50pm we fall in a imaginary love.we'll cal our venture...the bullet getaway.
escapism is within all of us...but to escape with the person you love ...even in dreams ....feels heavenly.

"There comes a moment when my heart must stand alone
On this lonely path I've chosen
Like a house thats not a home

Sometimes when I feel I've had enough
And I feel like giving up
You willed me to be all I can be
Now nothing can stop me

I believe in the power that comes
From a world brought together as one
I believe together we'll fly
I believe in the power of you and I

This is the moment we have dreamed of all our lives
We'll be the change we wish from others
We'll stand tall for what is right
And in my heart there'll be no doubt
The arms of the world will come reaching out
And embrace me to be all I can be
Now nothing can stop me "...........olympic theme song

a ROMANTIC note........

i haven't told her that i love her....
she alsonever did...
but we lived in love....ecstatic love....
she cares......hugs me...kiss me ....
cries when i cry.....supports me when the whole world curse me
yell at me when i go wrong......and then again she cries for my wrong and she supports
she couldn't stop loving me....and i couldn't too..
she never alowed anyone to talk bad about me......and i almost go insane when someone curse her.....
she reflects myself many a times.........the void of her absence is suffocating.....
we are in love... the most divine love on universe....
i always had one name to call her.....
i call her 'amaa'

Do i have anything to say?

do you hav anythnig to say?....i heard that question as if the whole world is asking me.do i have anything to say?
volumes i must say. i cant face them or the world itself.staring at the floor is the only option i got,  where my eyes can escape.'hang him till death'.....judge judged.  my entire life i was guided to death.....walking between two big walls eyes covered with black cloth...without any feeling anything other than the hard bricks of the wall and seeing only the dark.....i was guided by someone to this destiny...this judgment.i never had a role to play in my life other than moving within those walls  with eyes shut .did i had any opportunity to tear of that cloth ,break the walls and feel the life in light.never did i..?born in a meager family in the outskirts of elite life i started ,moreover my motherland ,my nation was considered by the world as the breeding ground of terrorism.
education,was not even  in the wildest dreams of kids in my slum.without knowing what we are in this world for,why allah created us for,me and my friends spend our lives without worth.
i remember the day i was made belief of my worth,my duty .they instilled knowledge,interpretations of quran,the need of jihad.world must follow islam.and over all this their promise of giving huge amount of money which i couldn't seeing think in my whole life.suddenlt my complete view change......the life i was leading was futile...they are offering the real  part of it.in my void mind there ideas filled clearly, world must follow islam,words resonated.i must be loyal to allah
followere were many....mere followes .with each day passing i felt more and more inspired more and more worthy,more and more responsible.
i was assigned for the ultimate salvation..i was assigned to be the warrior of my beleif.inluding me nine were send for war.we were the most sacred warriores sacrificng ourselves to allah......the most respected ones.
we were unleashed here,by serving and pleasing all who guided us.....we killed and killed...people after people,life after life.india was paralyzed by 9 of us.eight of the other were killed.they served the purpose.i was the abandon by allah,by getting caught .
through my days behind bars,i started realization.the path to truth...i was realizing myself.it was a difficult to understand that i was a sinner.by remembering all those agony ,pain,blood fear in the peoples face i killed i felt terror for myself....i was the sinner.light slowly was dawning  in my thoughts.i felt this was the biggest knowledge not what they taught,and their interpretations about faith was mere misinterpretations,what they taught was darkness,the money was my price to be in the darkness forever,and we were not warriores of allah,we were biggest sinners in front of allah.but then i had no other choice....i was born in darkness and lived in darkness and their ideas was the first of any kind which endarkened me further.but now i know what is allah.
now hearing the judgement,my wyes blurred,.... tears which purify my soul.i do have manythings to say but i dont want.
AJMAL KASAB GETS DEATH PENALITY.Every headlines got bolder,every newschannels were louder.
world celebrates the news,i celebrates it more

i am afraid

i am afraid to see me....
when i saw  i was horrified......
i tried to console my mind...NO....
its not me....ts somebody else...........
hard to believe its me.....why i am like this??
with none around and soul separated i saw me...
i cant bare seeing me like this.....
i want to run away......far......
to face real mine is like slitting my throat slowly...
the me i saw was so ugly by all means....
not beyond an infant in life with no comparable innocence........
a worm which wore the mask of higher degree species.....
one who faked himself....one who always had excuses for failure....
who lived with a soul in darkness.....which feared light.....
with no earnest desire...acted as a pathetic romeo to justify my heart
insanity was a veil for my normality....
panting at the starting point itself staring at the runway....
i closed my eyes without strength to see further ...the brutal side...with tears sprouting
i am afraid to explore that brutal reality.....that 'me'

INEQUALITY........POLITICAL SCIENCE

In my political science class taught by a great faculty,came across a topic inequality ,some points like....inequality is natural,inequality can be reduced by hard work and all came up........but none  talked about where it started.
inequality is a process evolved  over years ,in very early times of human race itself there has been differences.even during the times where tribal system existed.there the best warrior in the tribal group was the leader of tribal groups.rest are his subjects,they have to follow his words,they have to fight with other tribal groups in the name of women or other precious things.and if they win the properties will be possessed by leaders only...and as time progress leader become more and more powerful.so the natural inequality,that's the the tribal leaders physical strength has bee used to turn him power and authoritarian.that's where it all started
i dont know how caste and sub caste system formulated...may be like the authoritarians,like the tribal leader was considered the chief,the leaders formed a class,they become the distinguished people in the community.
       then in the modern era the English were the masters of the world,they were naturally crooked smarter and more enthusiastic that other races,they made modern equipments and aced above others.thus their natural features helped them take advantage over the rest of the world and exploit every resources.but when the exploited realized they are no underdogs in this world,they revolted with everything in their arms to eradicate the English monopoly.the whole of India revolted and struggled for freedom and achieved the necessary.but equality was not achieved,the evolved higher class,like  landlords, jamindars who with the support of British empire where wealthier class by the time,they continued exploiting the peasants and laymen of the country.actually this happened around the world in different forms.but during 1970's a very strongly ideology based naxal movement strengthened in the country,which along with leftist groups fought for a better social setup which dreamed about a equal nation.but the movements went confined to some states where socialistic setup was somewhat achieved by redistribution of land and wealth.
then the rolling governments whoever it may be ,became the ruling class ,even though elected by people they were the class which determines the nation's fate.private enterprises blossomed with the support of governments.all these private enterprises basically had a good financial backup,and many others gained money through illegal activities.more public firms were converted or sold to private enterprises with government as middlemen.globalization also hammered down the common man and local market.we are now influenced by other developed nations.our economy is go up and down according to other nations economical growth.

so to conclude naturally everything is unequal in this world,but when the wealthier or powerful exploit or disturb the equilibrium that's when the true inequality happens.so to suppress it there should be protests and struggle.a mass movement is still a  far away dream in our country,but in each small system,if you feel you are uncounted,there's inequality...protest against it...that's the only way to counter the phenomenon inequality.
note:i write what i feel,all this may be blunder of all time......