last meeting.

msg tone interrupted...
from unknown number: "hi :)"
reply:"whos dis??"
"guess:D"
"c'mon i dont hav d tym 2 play  games.....say ur damn name or juz getlost  "
"oh u still dis hot temprd ma old hero....am neha!!:) rmmr??"

fuck!! how can i forget ?? every time my message tone rings i look in excitement for this message eventhough i know it will never happen...my first love....first kiss...but on a first move i thought of replying "neha? who??"
but went against it....it will be a wrong one...i was excited to the core...i dont want to kill it with that stupidity
"hey! dis is a surprise,i thought u'll never contact me anymore...so sup?" i picked the words with utmost care

"am n kochi.....i'll b here for a week....if ur free can u pls drop by at ccd in d evenin??i hav somthin to tell...i wud hav called...but u know afta all dis year...i dint hav d guts to call u directly...so pls drop in by 4"
"oh ya ...ts k i'll come...wats d matter??"
"will talk directly....i hav a meeting to attend n a while....so c u at 4...ll b waitin"
i replied "oh k...cya den" .....
what the fuck.... am i a jackass..?? she wanted to end the relation saying some confusing reasons....and i was the one who was like a pathetic romeo all these years blabbering about her at every booze party.... shamelessly texted her without any replies....and now all of a sudden when she wants to meet up...i agreed to go?? noway!! fuck u assole...am not going anywhere
3:30
i put up my best shirt and was already on my way to ccd....i cant make her wait ....
yeah ...from our common friend i have heard that she got engaged....and her marriage is fixed ....i had a heavy night that day...but as i was used to the fact all this is gonna happen ...i tried to move on
so this meeting may be a clever way to warn  me to not come up with any evidences of our relation to her married life like they show in movies ....fuck!! am i that cheap....i have our pics.... no...i wont..if that is what you have to say...assole i dont want to fuck your life in anyways....eventhough i have  screamed a lot over phone that i'll screw you up on dopey nights.....
escaping the kochi traffic i reached ccd by 4...sharp....she haven't turn up yet ....
15 minutes later....she came...
my heart pumped up with all its might even  after 5 continues fags before
she is always beautiful....and with that smile she is the best
'hi'
long time
yeah...loooooong time
we talked all that 'how are you...what you doing' talks
then she talked about her marriage without a trace of guilt..."bitch" i cribbed in mind....and asked me "hope you have moved on"
with a wry smile i said "yeah....of course"
i felt she has some thing  mystique aura in her smile and talks ...that she wanted this meeting for something very personal which is hard for her to reveal easily....
atlast i asked....so you wanted me here to invite for your marriage ??
"hmm...i wanted to tell you something actually.... I've booked a room in Regal for tomorrow ....i want to talk to you very personally ...not in this atmosphere...its important"...in the most softest of voice
"no...tell me now know..."
"no...please come tomorrow....we'll have a whole day...and am getting late"
she left soon leaving me again clueless for the rest of the day.....will that guy Anurag ,her would be, come and beat me up.....was the extreme thing i could imagine
next day i set off to Regal...three star suit room...
she was waiting for me in the room....there was a full bottle Smirnoff on the table...
we started to talk....she still had that enigma in her behavior....usually she is damn straight forward and to the point...but not today.....she asked me to have the drinks....i lit a fag....then started my road to heights ....
she like old days......was already on the peak of her capacity within two shorts...eyes got drowsy ....and started to be on her own....talked freely....i was silent ....listening to her....she talked about old days...
"i wanna make love " that statement tore the veil
i had to rewind a second to clarify her statement
"fuck you" was first response
"ya....with pleasure"
"assole its your marriage next month"
"i know"
i took two quick shorts to kill the last traces of morality in me
she dragged me to the soothing comfort of the cozy bed....we have dreamed about a day like this during our relation...but it never happened...
the first kiss resumed ...and it was happening slowly yet wildly to devoid  both of us to get out of that cosmic merging .....
and just when i felt this may result in a disaster in her life....i paused to ask her "are you sure....we don't even have a precaution...we are bare assole....and its your wedding "
"that's exactly why i choose this time....contraceptives kills the excitement ...and its the most safest time to have extra marital affair " she replied with a wicked wink.....
after all this years....i enjoyed the totality of the word FUCK
sweating in satisfaction...i lit a fag....
her face was so close to mine...and she give me one last kiss......
"do you what is the beauty of this moment??here ends our relation forever....this will be the last time we'are meeting...i'll be off to Bangalore tonight...." with that she deleted her number from my cell
i had a blank stare at her eyes....and finished my fag...
i dressed up and was ready to go....she was still in the bed...and she waved me off with that smile...
while i was riding back.....questions screamed in my head.....what is happening....she just made you a jack ass again??? was it a pay back of her guilt??is this is all i wanted from her??was i craving just for lust ??wasn't that love?? but there was kind of satisfaction in my heart i was seeking for all these years after that break up....and thought somewhat suppressed all the questions.....before i was struck by a bigger question?? is she going to give birth to my child ????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!
"aliya......kuppi medich vekku appachan acharumayi dhaaaaaaa varunnu" i called my friend to celebrate the end -of- a- relation status

peace

and the bhajan 'namah shivaya' by krishnadas exulted my soul umpteenth time....am still an atheist .....
i experienced fear.....real...to the core.... i saw 'exorcist'....i couldn't sleep alone....for the first time in life i had the feeling something is a whisker away to posses ......i had to go down and sleep with mom....
and i read the 2 books of the series 'shiva triology' ,good book ,not awsomest as some idiots claim...
so i kinda like the figure shiva....the shiva way of life....a sense of authoritative calmness......like vito corleone,he knows he is untouchable and unassailable ....but is as humble an ordinary soul.....and ya....he is the god of trippers ...and got a breed of akhoris who are finest trippers in india.....
i visited delli,agra,and jaipur....taj mahal is a thing of beauty to cherish life long.........

i watch intensely at the slow thick fumes from a cigarette  ....it has very beautiful pattern to dissolve into thin air.....its so sensual how they go in a very holy buoyant way to merge with the world....  no resistance
i sense am nearing to that state where you are peacefuly satisfied with what you got...what you have.....
i send some book to you.....believe me i dont remember the name of the book.....and tried my hand in drawing.....its tough to draw you smiling....the frequency of disturbing you has reduced i think......
my friend once said once you have made sex with a girl you'll know how to behave decently with the ladies....logical concept.....
now i ended my confusion within .....each one of us behave in a unique way in different conditions.....basically everyone is alike....social positioning...identity ...dogmas....they pressurize you to be a stranger.....
i am at peace....i am reducing to be simple....no hate...no love....a tranquility where negatives and positives cancel each other :)