no more a mediator!

what is the object of journalism?
does media have the power to change?
for "budding" and "aspiring" journalists keeping a fire power in their pen and vision,have you ever noticed recently on the point that any scoop,scandal,report changed the course of an issue??
 like they say "art for art sake",media is for media sake
be it corruption,anna hazare,silence of manmohan,poverty,oppression or whatever that is concern for our country,a highly "tolerant" population of our country for the maximum call a strike over media impact....
and then there are pundits and intellectuals who carry out debates and editorials to enlighten the common people with their mastery in language and knowledge in an issue with statistics.
for reference take anna hazare's first campaign against corruption,how he was hailed by media,and how people of this country followed him like rats behind the pied piper .and on his second "war against corruption" media started speculating his intentions and the blunders in lokpal bill...with media attention lessened, the hazare storm was somewhat silenced.
media is a valve for all who are seeking power and attention,and every news like barkha dutt once accidently     said 'has a motive'.
one thing media serve best is that employing thousands of journalists .
it is true that media often generates opinion in people,make the politically neutral minds to take sides in election and thus a change in government.but a change in government is not what is needed,we have tried this trial and error method over and over and people were at the recieving end every time.
now the other point social scientists arouse is that to eradicate corruption from grass root level...like the depict in the tamil movie 'annyan' every small mistake,a bribe or a ignorance for money add to make a huge crack in the whole system wrenched in corruption.but how can we blame a clarke or peon in a government office who dreams of making his life climbing a ladder of classes as corrupt.the class wars created by money and religion is prime reason for anyone to get stained for sustainment.
and coming back to media's impact on society,like a movie,it will not go beyond discussions in chat rooms.more than acting like a pimp for society by revealing the backstage dramas in politics and other issues that is catered in a dramatic way to fill the leisure time of people,media should,in this age , be active in more powerful mode called media activism where media houses should initiate act by or against an issue based on the ground reality.this may be a completely out of the box ,insane break of conventional journalistic theories of being diplomatic and "act like a mirror" concept .the spine to say  'that is wrong' or 'that is right' should be there rather than saying 'it may be right or wrong"....and even a declaration to inspire people to think by their own ,rather than to perceive a framed fact. becuase there is only black and white for a fact,the other shades are just interpretations and assumptions.
the frame work of constitution has made the four estates to be constantly checked by each other,but as time went...the four lions understood that it is easy to  eat the whole of country by themselves if they stand together,by compromising and passing bill according to their convenience  .
people are still fooled by showing  a unknown drama played by the master puppeteers of these four estates.
there should be a walk up call for media to seriously rethink and move away from a moderate way stand by the people and be among them.
because the process is clear,when wealth and power accumulated on one side....communism was needed,then the constant class struggle paved way to the drama called democracy....where again power  was accumulated where even socialism and communism became the part of dirty waters....now there is this chance of anarchy where nothing is safe and chaos rules all over.to avoid the complete outburst, there should be a responsible bold media culture that should be developed urgently.

looser's end

i am bonded...rather bounded...as some say of me as filmy...melodramatic and fake..
arguments are long gone...to fight means to debate in a profound way in chat rooms,
the phases are past,i refresh every time when i lit a joint...like the legends said you wont receive any pain
the world looks so simple then,very simple to live,just smile ,you live....a reaction that is so pleasing for everyone
but the rare moments i am hit by the concrete hardness of reality, i fail,i think of a time when the sickening sense of revenge looms over me...
whenever i go deep inside myself...its total chaos...and so disturbing....depressing and ruining,total backlash.
i once had a belief in judgement day,and it remains as a fantasy
if your mother's tears holds u, advice's restrict you....admit it ,you are weak than u imagine.
now sitting in my home....every prick of a noise burst my peace i seek for,every shouts come in like a hammer to break my skull....
am dangerously in love with peace....that when it is lost....the streaks of reality plug wires in my senses that kills me...
i want to walk a lonely way killing the unwanted ....and resting in midways with my comrades for a smoke and laugh purely...
i want to washout every man made stains from my mind ,and start fresh like from a blackout to enjoy the abundance of freedom....and drown in it...and die in it ...killing the unwanted

reality checks!

many a times i feel  reality is a projection of sub conscious .what we see is a mere visualization of the universe within....our mind has everything in it ...every question has answer inside yourself.... the path of our material reality is just the first dimension of oblivion...and i strongly believe a soul will be blessed with all experiences and pass through every possible emotions,its extremities, every possible way of life and every possible feeling,until it finish the  circle of complete knowledge through experiences, the soul will not find the peace of mind it seeks for and  it sheds the outfits and find newones ,the membrane called our physical body that divide  the projected and partial reality from the subdued  but complete universe within.so i live and live and live to find that euphoria of being complete.
i poses a question !
why does an idiot called human considers a diamond so valuable that he even fight a war for it,even after knowing that it is an artificially beautified stone??why is it so precious?? what is the pride factor??
you find answers....
on a night while i was drowning in darkness...i was pondering why men always crave for the nudity of women...for their body...is it because they hide it with clothes all the time...is it that mystery under cover??or is it the aura of womanliness that a man is unknown of?? or because of all the social dogmas ,culturing and and expectations attached with women?? similarly for women...they seek for man...his most hidden and hyped about possession,the stick of creation,dick. no,pls you got time to laugh later
"i exist becuase,you imagine i do" i've read this words somewhere....and i feel the same....i am a concept for u...my physical presence is least relevant .....my reactions,the words i use, behavior, ideologies,and all other associations i am linked with makes me ,capsuled in a single world called by my name.....the wildest possible abstract which is accepted by every one.....
so every word in this world holds a concept...attached again with this  lot more of  beliefs, expectations,culture,dogmas,
the concept that twinkling or shining is a cosmic wonder or divine makes diamond precious...the adventure behind every diamond,the bloodshed behind it makes it even more vauable and demanding....it takes skillful people to cut that raw stone to a twinkling beauty makes it wanted.. and women ,all poets writers artists and common man haven't yet understood the concept of women completely....so we still look at her with the same enthusiasm  and watch the magnificent creation she is.....

OK I LOST SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY!! DID I?? OR CAN YOU JUST DECODE WHAT I MEAN???!!

night outs

krishna looked out from that window .....watching the city lights,mumbai huzzle and the sea winds...never will mumbai take rest...it always have the rapid heart beat of a rat in a trap....it has been long since she had walked into the swirling night life of mumbai....like the damsel in distress she locked her up from all turbulence of noises and the leisure of music....friends ,fun ,night clubs ,pubs.....all the stress busters a metro girl resort to,was abandoned....now to get a break was a strong decision...to rise above hatred gossiping bitching and backstabbing needed a rock mind...a mind to ignore and walk away from those chaos to a carelessly free world...
krishna put on her sexiest outfit to and drove down the city streets to merge with the colors of night...to shed a stinking phase of life in that night and erase everything atleast for that moment with high pounding trance booze and dance ....
the never ending waves of juhu beach takes away your pain and bring back long lost memories ...but kanak at that time felt the salty winds are rubbing on his bleeding thoughts....boys strolling in a beach lonely with a cigarette burning in his lips should be most probably a victim of relationship failure.....but kanak was not in that category ...he still couldn't believe the pictures he saw...and what his friend told just took him by surprise..krithika his only sister was seen dancing in the middle of some drunken guys in a pub...the pics were even more surprising ...he hadn't seen her wearing any thing other than a salwar..but here she is looking like a typical party girl...how will i tell this to dad...he will beat her up like anything...no...kanak at that moment missed his mom like anything....if she was there she could handle this situation perfectly...i have always heard that only a mother can understand her daughter completely...mom's demise always hurt kanak...the void she left suffocated his lonely moments...with a decision to make and questions knocking all over the head mixed with a burning temper, kanak,rode his way home..

the music was in booming heights and krishna was dancing insanely with it....her head bangs revealed her frustrations...with each tequila shot she was forgetting everything around....the blinking party lights trance and drinks made her world....but the tiring limbs din't let her enjoy the whole night....she sat in the corner of the dance floor to lit a cigerette....  bouncer had to take her out as she was unable to stand properly...outside the pub she sat again  to refresh herself...she had a feeling of purity within herself ....cleansing the past odds..a new spring of happiness and freedom was brimming in her ....her eyes wanted to say aloud "i am free and clean"...she decided not drive back to her apartment in this condition and opted to walk back relishing the long lost beauty of nights in her life...
a few steps past the pub...she saw some people staring at her...she walked forward as if she was not noticing them.....but the next step was obstructed by a huge man who was standing in front of her surrounded by other guys..."where are you going this late night??" he asked in marathi..."home"..she replied with a wavering voice...."are you drunk madam?" "yes,but who are you to ask all these" she asked back with all her energy left...the split second slap made her fell down..."what is your name bitch??" "krishna,you bastard...what the fuck you guys want?? "
with a hard kick on her stomach the man leading the mob roared "krishna eh??with our god's name, you are boozing and fucking all night insulting our culture..you filthy bitch" the men surrounding her started to tease and abuse her ...in her dizzy vision she saw mobile cameras flashing around....she felt some hands grabbing her...a chilling fear damaged her already down senses...
lost in his own thoughts kanak was struck by the scene of a mob attacking a girl.....he understood easily it was the frequently heard news of molesting girls in name of morality...he thought of riding past the backlash...but the face of his mom and sister flashed in his mind to stop the bike ...before committing himself he called the police to inform the situation...and walked towards the mob...kanak tried to stop them...the girl was actually tattered and looked like publicly raped...kanak also had to bare the heat of beating...but his resistance brought him time.....the police siren nearing to spot made him gasp a little.as the mob dispersed in hurry showing their final burst of agitation on kanak....
he gave krishna his denim jacket to hide her torn dress....she was crying...and her mascara made her tears look blackish...krishna hugged him tightly out of fear and thanked him in a shivering voice....police took her to the station to register the complaint....kanak was asked questions ...and was left soon...the bruises din't hurt kanak that night...he felt peace of mind like never before after his mom's death ..
kanak talked to krithika and her reply was simple "i was with rammy and kiran...and other colege mates...it  was ram's birthday...bhayya dont worry i am your same old little sister just that i wanted a day off too ..i know to take care of myself...trust me " she told in a soft confident voice
kanak smiled at her and gave her a hug
"i know you can ...but the world out there is real bad baby ...and we no more have mom to console us "
the siblings went to bed with a restored solitude to sleep after a long night.....

Hazy Heights

we were seeking solace at the heights of Nilgiris, far away from the unsettled greed of city speeds.the thick fog had a venomously slow pace ,billowing the dense green tops of those hills.the drizzling made the misty wild a holy  hood to cover its enigmatic depths of divinity.but soon the charm  of drizzling changed to heavy pour down like a wrath to kill our heaven.....but we unknowingly started our voyage towards serenity before the rain drops trickle down deep into our conscience .....
i was braving the rain and grueling cold....trekking down the  hill...i felt like a warrior struggling down the rocky path...and i could see my hair in front of my eyes in glowing black from which water drops drip down....i wanted a space where rain drops wouldn't intrude my peace i was cherishing that time...but my struggle went in vain.. i found no shelter...so i had to accept the rain,the cold and the thoughts they inject in ,with sharp strikes inside my silent serene lake....it is our mind's unimaginable vastness to make accustomed to a  pain with which we have to live with everyday or a pain without a choice.....so with time the lake absorbed the strangeness of rain drops  and continued flowing in its course silently...
friends followed, they also had no choice but start enjoying the extremity of nature and her untamed beauty.... the body was churning itself to counter the brutal cold...with shivering limbs drenched in rain we had biscuits....people who found shelter in their cars were i think looking at us as insane teens talking and laughing in midst of freezing cold and rain ,eating biscuits without showing any trace difficulty ...
not all trips having frightening turns...but this one had when one of my friend was struck by a leech in his hand....blood came out from his hand when he pulled out the blood sucking worm.....the spreading of blood in his hands with water just took me away to a valley smelling death which had a mask of lush beauty, haze and silence covering a viciously cruel face...the tranquility of silence was torn with another leech striking my hand ...but the real intimidating sight was to see the grain sized blood sucker going perpendicular in my hand drilling down my skin to suck its ecstasy...my blood.....i had to push so hard to remove the unwanted alien in my body....but the image of its fury, to pierce through my skin ,went venom like into my purified mind as fear oozed in my blood.....the valley suddenly unmasked its deadly half and i was too weak to escape back to the world of peace....too weak that the cold and rain was no longer enjoyable instead started to toil us down and to succumb....and our silence was no longer reflecting the inside peace but it was the terrifying numbness to respond to the backlash happening within.
but again it also dint last.... the tribal people working in the plantation estates saw us shivering and drowning in cold.....they were talking tamil -malayalam which sounded strange and they looked primitive...no they were natural ..more suited to be here than us....they offered us black tea...the warmth of the tea brought us back to senses...i saw  kindness in their eyes and wrinkled faces.....one women asked us to cover the hot steel cup tightly to escape from the chilling aura surrounding us....and the feeling of unconditional care felt great ...

we started our journey back....riding down each hairpin curves.....through the dark wet forest...we wanted a break and took a space in the rock facing an abyss filled with white mist flowing in grace...minds beaming with thoughts don't experience time...we were melting in thoughts like dew drops...
riding our way back to the dull routine of city lives i understood we were getting back slowly to the peripheral face of consciousness and material reality....
with  depths of wild ,faded past our sights...i am now aware how powerful a thought act in you...how influential a simple feeling can be...which,in a blink of a thought inserted by an image perceived showed the beauty of forest changing to the face of evil..and a hue of love turned it back to heaven.....

HUE ON RUST

it was that weary yellowed photograph which i kept in my secret collection took me back to the vintage part of my life.i can hear my son fighting with his mother when she found cigarette packet in his room....i couldn't say anything...i came to my room to find solitude from that clash of the titans......now i am at my convenient  confinement inside that big house......to relapse into my college days ....i found that old lively pic of our gang....
that time resistant photograph is the replica of our times......that single frame have absorbed every vital ingredients of our age....a Walkman,panama cigarettes,big carrera shades, a pack of grass,beer bottles surrounded by five of us looking like tribes in laughter lost in a fantastic world of our own.....
it was the time of our lives ....where every second was a celebrated moment,every ride had new destiny,and every day had a suspense ....when we five guys found the pride in riding rx 100 roaring past the girls waiting for bus,long hair and beard admiring the hippie culture,and the motto was "drugs leaf and pink floyd"...
the nights when guys trip in those vast blue skies melting  inside their thoughts forgetting the pain and residing over the illuminated night .....
the time when love was so sublime,subtle and less expressive that a glance means a burst opened champagne bottle....and every love lost creates a life sinking in darkness....soothing  in grass and the musical chords of floyd,marley and jim morrison... mostly resulting in disastrous ends of depression....
Joe,the romanticist  in our group,soft spoken like his words felt like the melting of dew drops.....colored our lives with his music and poems in those nights thawed with smoke and beer .....
one night changed our life ..like plunge back from our trippy world of colors to the black and white of reality....the long silence we have been noticing of joe had an abrupt end......sub conscious was the norm then.....Joe was in his own world.....always singing those famous lines "i have become comfortably numb" and playing those psychedelic chords in his guitar.....he was alone in his island... we used to say he is doping to enjoy his real addiction to depression....but none of us realy understood that he was enjoying a hallucinating darkness .....
the usual night in terrace ....transcending away to find new worlds.....no one really noticed  Joe ....humming a song looking at the sky....."thoughts fill our life....images fill our life...sounds fill our life....when our senses are shut down we sleep in the bed of fantasy...every sleep is a replica of death....every blink is a reversion to death....that's when we go inside....to ourselves,were the real universe resides.....exploring every nook and corner ...escaping from all our senses and link towards the outside world...which is full of pain and havoc...so submerge to the inside world were there is no pain to suffer....to be comfortably numb.....i am done here....you guys coming??".....these words from Joe had a  rhyme and blended beautifully in that night..
we actually were deeply thinking over what he was saying while he already jumped down from the hostel terrace to his inner world....the song "i have become comfortably numb" was playing in some recorder....our few seconds delay to fight back to consciousness cost our friend....after a pause ...there was noises all round....shouting ...alarm of ambulance.....tears....but all that time i was calm and i was inert upon his absence ....
now sitting in my room with a family and a highly paid job and plush to vane upon.....i miss something .....a comfortable numbness to sleep upon is missing..... and many a times in this busy life i miss my Joe, his music and his last words before silence......

The Name Is Balotelli

"I am a naturalized Italian,but i'm from Ghana.I was adopted by my parents and adopted by two angels.I suffer with racism everyday.I am the first black to wear jersey of Italy.I'm not angry,but my life experiences make me act differently from other people.Then try to learn before you criticize me!" these are words from Mario Balotelli,the so called most arrogant ,worst behaving footballer of present times.he burst out from the Olympic stadium without having the strength to see the Spanish side toying with azure army.
Balotelli is a symbol.....not representing blacks or any other "colour" which socity call is inferior......but a representation of the ,bullied,policed,alienated society.Every time that tortured soul was freed into the greened pitch he had something to show to the world,he was avenging the world,the parents who abandoned him,the people who made him a laughing stock,the managers who tied him up.The tears in his eyes when Spain lift the Euro cup, and he had to watch it from the lower podium is a sight that will not fade in time.That was the tears of a man who had to fight a cruel path in every turn of life ,down played and ridiculed by all and finaly made it to the biggest of stages ,but unfortunately the he could not lift the trophy of Europe.It would have been a rising hope for millions of people around the world living in dark corners of life to see Mario kissing the euro cup,the prestige of whites.

Media never saw the footballer in Balotelli until his scorcher against Germany in Euro semi final,they only saw the rebel,the ill behaved,short tempered "black monster".Football pundits also criticized his temperament,his failure to keep calm,but none appreciated or patted his talent.This is why i said he is a symbol for all those who are stamped rebels,anti social and rude, who are alienated from the society.no one seeks why he/she is like that,no one cares what these people experienced in life ,the hard ships and insult they had undergone.there will be always a scar in the hearts of people who you think are ill tempered and ill mannered.give them their space and dignity,dont follow them,leave them for their world and they will also live in peace.
Actually personalities like Balotelli is bullied by the society,when society and media does think that a person or institution is not pleasing in their norms and they get  haunted everywhere,then it has to be a long tough road like Mario took to end up as a rising star to silence those cribbers and rise above hatred.Now its a two year wait to see whether the outlaw Italian can outwit predictions to lead azures to world cup victory!!

I AM god

6/5/2012
i was speeding back to home alone in my car.......tired in the midst of  a long day of family function.....the sight that struck impulsively into my mind to stop my car, was the start to the destiny towards deity.....a guy in the bike crashed down to the road .....he raised his head in a final thrust ....then succumbed....when i was opening the door to get towards him i saw a girl having a look at him and running away screaming in fear....
when i saw him.....it was bloody...i only saw red glazing under  the scorching sun.....there was head injury...the guy was in the midst of the traffic....spectators and commentators gathered around...no body was daring to touch the gasping life in my lap.....there was blame games all around.....only filthy meaningless human-less irritating voices....then one man helped me to take him aside of the road.....in that backlash someone put the guy's mobile into my pocket and slipped away into the crowd.....no one was willing to move or come near.....i shouted in insaniy "pls some bastard just come and help me to take the guy into my car....nothing more i am asking"....there was silence....i look around to see if there was any born- of -a -mother in the crowd.....i saw faces of progressive communists talking practicality of calling 108,believers who couldn't even look at the horrifying state of that guy, instead murmuring prayers.... at last one man took initiative to help me take the wretched body.....thankfully a police jeep came to the spot.....me and that man took the guy in the jeep to medical college.....i saw his leg was hanging broken...and saw  flesh has got out from his leg....the strap of his sandal was tightening in that raw flesh ....i loosened the strap...he got admitted ....spectators with inquiries  came around me,i was drenched in blood .....then i realized i din't remember to lock my car and even forget to take the key from the spot...but that fear was consoled by the fact that nothing is worth a life
i was not concerned in washing away my blood stain.....i was poured with a feeling 'i saved a life s '.....the blood and flesh din't held me back....the consequences din't made me think second....the intimidating sight of nearing of  death din't let me down.....i was THE instinct...i was strength....if bastards gathered around me were humans.....then i am not a human...i was more than that...i was for that moment.....god.... savior.....a feeling that made me shed all my inhibitions , i may be a looser in life but now am proud to be me because  iam fearless...i gave life.....I am god

single line

i wanna b impotent for sometime to make sure that it is not lust but love......

last meeting.

msg tone interrupted...
from unknown number: "hi :)"
reply:"whos dis??"
"guess:D"
"c'mon i dont hav d tym 2 play  games.....say ur damn name or juz getlost  "
"oh u still dis hot temprd ma old hero....am neha!!:) rmmr??"

fuck!! how can i forget ?? every time my message tone rings i look in excitement for this message eventhough i know it will never happen...my first love....first kiss...but on a first move i thought of replying "neha? who??"
but went against it....it will be a wrong one...i was excited to the core...i dont want to kill it with that stupidity
"hey! dis is a surprise,i thought u'll never contact me anymore...so sup?" i picked the words with utmost care

"am n kochi.....i'll b here for a week....if ur free can u pls drop by at ccd in d evenin??i hav somthin to tell...i wud hav called...but u know afta all dis year...i dint hav d guts to call u directly...so pls drop in by 4"
"oh ya ...ts k i'll come...wats d matter??"
"will talk directly....i hav a meeting to attend n a while....so c u at 4...ll b waitin"
i replied "oh k...cya den" .....
what the fuck.... am i a jackass..?? she wanted to end the relation saying some confusing reasons....and i was the one who was like a pathetic romeo all these years blabbering about her at every booze party.... shamelessly texted her without any replies....and now all of a sudden when she wants to meet up...i agreed to go?? noway!! fuck u assole...am not going anywhere
3:30
i put up my best shirt and was already on my way to ccd....i cant make her wait ....
yeah ...from our common friend i have heard that she got engaged....and her marriage is fixed ....i had a heavy night that day...but as i was used to the fact all this is gonna happen ...i tried to move on
so this meeting may be a clever way to warn  me to not come up with any evidences of our relation to her married life like they show in movies ....fuck!! am i that cheap....i have our pics.... no...i wont..if that is what you have to say...assole i dont want to fuck your life in anyways....eventhough i have  screamed a lot over phone that i'll screw you up on dopey nights.....
escaping the kochi traffic i reached ccd by 4...sharp....she haven't turn up yet ....
15 minutes later....she came...
my heart pumped up with all its might even  after 5 continues fags before
she is always beautiful....and with that smile she is the best
'hi'
long time
yeah...loooooong time
we talked all that 'how are you...what you doing' talks
then she talked about her marriage without a trace of guilt..."bitch" i cribbed in mind....and asked me "hope you have moved on"
with a wry smile i said "yeah....of course"
i felt she has some thing  mystique aura in her smile and talks ...that she wanted this meeting for something very personal which is hard for her to reveal easily....
atlast i asked....so you wanted me here to invite for your marriage ??
"hmm...i wanted to tell you something actually.... I've booked a room in Regal for tomorrow ....i want to talk to you very personally ...not in this atmosphere...its important"...in the most softest of voice
"no...tell me now know..."
"no...please come tomorrow....we'll have a whole day...and am getting late"
she left soon leaving me again clueless for the rest of the day.....will that guy Anurag ,her would be, come and beat me up.....was the extreme thing i could imagine
next day i set off to Regal...three star suit room...
she was waiting for me in the room....there was a full bottle Smirnoff on the table...
we started to talk....she still had that enigma in her behavior....usually she is damn straight forward and to the point...but not today.....she asked me to have the drinks....i lit a fag....then started my road to heights ....
she like old days......was already on the peak of her capacity within two shorts...eyes got drowsy ....and started to be on her own....talked freely....i was silent ....listening to her....she talked about old days...
"i wanna make love " that statement tore the veil
i had to rewind a second to clarify her statement
"fuck you" was first response
"ya....with pleasure"
"assole its your marriage next month"
"i know"
i took two quick shorts to kill the last traces of morality in me
she dragged me to the soothing comfort of the cozy bed....we have dreamed about a day like this during our relation...but it never happened...
the first kiss resumed ...and it was happening slowly yet wildly to devoid  both of us to get out of that cosmic merging .....
and just when i felt this may result in a disaster in her life....i paused to ask her "are you sure....we don't even have a precaution...we are bare assole....and its your wedding "
"that's exactly why i choose this time....contraceptives kills the excitement ...and its the most safest time to have extra marital affair " she replied with a wicked wink.....
after all this years....i enjoyed the totality of the word FUCK
sweating in satisfaction...i lit a fag....
her face was so close to mine...and she give me one last kiss......
"do you what is the beauty of this moment??here ends our relation forever....this will be the last time we'are meeting...i'll be off to Bangalore tonight...." with that she deleted her number from my cell
i had a blank stare at her eyes....and finished my fag...
i dressed up and was ready to go....she was still in the bed...and she waved me off with that smile...
while i was riding back.....questions screamed in my head.....what is happening....she just made you a jack ass again??? was it a pay back of her guilt??is this is all i wanted from her??was i craving just for lust ??wasn't that love?? but there was kind of satisfaction in my heart i was seeking for all these years after that break up....and thought somewhat suppressed all the questions.....before i was struck by a bigger question?? is she going to give birth to my child ????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!
"aliya......kuppi medich vekku appachan acharumayi dhaaaaaaa varunnu" i called my friend to celebrate the end -of- a- relation status

peace

and the bhajan 'namah shivaya' by krishnadas exulted my soul umpteenth time....am still an atheist .....
i experienced fear.....real...to the core.... i saw 'exorcist'....i couldn't sleep alone....for the first time in life i had the feeling something is a whisker away to posses ......i had to go down and sleep with mom....
and i read the 2 books of the series 'shiva triology' ,good book ,not awsomest as some idiots claim...
so i kinda like the figure shiva....the shiva way of life....a sense of authoritative calmness......like vito corleone,he knows he is untouchable and unassailable ....but is as humble an ordinary soul.....and ya....he is the god of trippers ...and got a breed of akhoris who are finest trippers in india.....
i visited delli,agra,and jaipur....taj mahal is a thing of beauty to cherish life long.........

i watch intensely at the slow thick fumes from a cigarette  ....it has very beautiful pattern to dissolve into thin air.....its so sensual how they go in a very holy buoyant way to merge with the world....  no resistance
i sense am nearing to that state where you are peacefuly satisfied with what you got...what you have.....
i send some book to you.....believe me i dont remember the name of the book.....and tried my hand in drawing.....its tough to draw you smiling....the frequency of disturbing you has reduced i think......
my friend once said once you have made sex with a girl you'll know how to behave decently with the ladies....logical concept.....
now i ended my confusion within .....each one of us behave in a unique way in different conditions.....basically everyone is alike....social positioning...identity ...dogmas....they pressurize you to be a stranger.....
i am at peace....i am reducing to be simple....no hate...no love....a tranquility where negatives and positives cancel each other :)

8

all my words,images,imaginations,emotions,illusions,feelings narrow down to 8 letters now.i will beat up,swear,stamp a fag on my hand,kill, for this 8 letters.i seriously don't care what others think.shameless .CAMIANPH. these 8 letters in its most perfected pro's and con's controls me more or less. shameless i admit...