this is it

for the second time i was in love......another trip to kochi marks the end of a 6 month affair......but this time i dint see her...she also dint want to....
this post will be the last dedicated to love.....i am sorry bob marley...i dint listen to you ...no love no pain...
i was at the recieving end this time....i was the one who begged for her return.....the girl i ditched before begged like this for my return...i had a egoistic pleasure while ignoring her.....now am lowered down to earth by another girl whom i considered precious....this is a vicious circle....the circle of love lust fake infatuation .....you will by all means will go through the pain you gave to another person.
i am not intrested in blame game....the mistake may be of completely mine....i lost my character in front of her...i behaved differently....like a child i was silly... totally unlike me...may be its in me...maybe my different shades were unraveling in front  of her
and there was a great deal of cultural difference....i could drink a black tea and lit a cigarette from any pan shop in street...while she saw only air conditioned cafe's  .......ya and i am outspoken ...
i was romantic...dangerously sincere.....and now when i look back and watch me behaved in front of her...i feel pity yet another time about myself...it wasn't me...by any means...only thing that was true was that i felt that unleashing urge of love on her....
girls change according to situation... that's true...once you feel you love a girl damn sincerely....in the next meeting itself go for sex....fuck her....then if she ditch you....you are lucky....
if you think you are strong enough, girl....its nothing but your fake pride for your character...if you think your practical...its nothing but loosing your innocence....
today when i walked past marine drive in cochin....i thought of you....words cant explain what i felt...you could have stayed....doesn't matter ....your life your way...i wont sing 'why this kolaveri' ......and i beat myself for being jack ass....for the first and last time in my fucking life.....
thus ends all my feelings for you.......i am depressed ...doesn't mean am a looser.....i loved you...i wont add a 'still does' to it.....
just one thing...dont ever have a misconception that i couldn't do anything........you would have cried like a kid ....ts a lucky let off...reasons will remain secret
am slipping back to my dopey nights with pink floyd,marley and enigma to give a farewell to you my love forever and ever....better luck for your fourth venture

pls don't disturb!!!

we were at the backyard of a hold house....rest of the guys are already down inside that old house

but we were still talking over the rich vein of alcohol running through us...he was the one in our gang just like all of us...full on fun...but somewhere i have always felt that he loves a self confinement pampering his sorrows...ya there seemed to play a melancholic chord inside the rock music.....

two full bottles of whisky is almost over...and i had my round of puking done..

the topic varied from spirituality,socialism,communism,love.....we kinda feel that  our intellect is vast, when venom goes in....so me and my friend are arguing over everything....then we pause....silence is filled with thoughts and cigarette...again new topic ....

'dude you are always selfish...you never bothered about the issues happening in the class...you just dont care about anything other than your life' me

'ya i agree i don't feel like putting my head in every problems...i am not harming anyone...let me live my life peacefully' -he

'but if we all stand together we can bring on change....not only in college...it applies in life...you not participating means you are weakening a movement' -me

'fuck you man you still is in fake reverie of glorified leftist revolutions.....it wont happen anymore...get over it live your life'-he

'you bloody ass...its only because of revolutions that we made change....atleast there is some equality made reality...you haven't ever faced hardships in your life...that is fucking reason why you are not bothered about anything other than your fucking happy life.....you haven't ever gone through poverty ,discrimination or anything....you have money....your dad makes it for you...you have your choices....and you live happily except for silly love failures what the fuck have you faced in life?'-me

'you fucking bastard...what will you do if someone abuses your mother?'-he

'i will make sure he wont go home without a bleeding nose'-me

'ya...but i wont...i dont give a damn....fucker....from the day since i could think and perceive, my parents were fighting each other...and how will you react if you know your mom has another affair....?'-he

i was numb...i couldn't even think of that

'ya....i was living in my house all these years in my house seeing my dad and mom fighting....i can't blame her..its her choice.....but what should i do man....she never loved me....i too never did...we rarely talks....my family is a  drama...that's the reason why i decided to persue my studies far away...and stay in hostel....and i don't care about the fucking issues happening around me....call me selfish or whatever...' -he

he was saying more and more loudly zeroing to silence

he broke and tears was virtually flowing from his eyes....but mine was already down the cheeks..

.

we hugged each other and cried for sometime....and slept outside that house so peacefully....

the next day when we woke up he gave me his usual classy smile and said 'i was bit over yesterday asshole.....whatever i said keep it to yourself'

'hahaha......fuck you man...gimme that fag ....and you better keep your mouth shut when you booze next time'

:P- replied him

he enjoyed his life completely....and i watched that fucker with amusement...and wondered how he could cope with that mourning silence of the loneliness in life.............

fortress ultimo

the words got stuck again in two lines,he crumbled another paper to the waste bin....the small room is filled with the air smelling weed....the floor full of ash and burned up cigarettes ...
its beyond writer's block for him....its been one year he wrote something....
'am i done?' he asked himself a thousand times....the words became stagnant....and thoughts vanished....
nothing fascinated him anymore....
what will the river do when its water is dried up?
how will the guitar cry when its strings are broken?
how will bird survive if it wings are tied up??
he look into the shelf...'were those awards nails in my coffin?limiting my travelling mind...making me an idol of some ideologies?which fortified me from thinking boundless' .
he rolled another joint to free himself.....now this is also of no use....it just help me to walk back in the same paths I've been travelling.
as Seamus Heaney said in his poem digging....he tried digging deep into his mind for new potatoes...but all he got was the old rotten potatoes that he already used...
he traveled alone for miles far...and returned empty handed....nothing fascinated him anymore...the bloody revolutions,insanity of emotions,sincerity of relations....nothing is creating a scar in his heart to bleed  newness....drugs only enlarged his emptiness...
'its over' the thought loomed over him everyday that passed by....
one fine morning he wake up from the weeded reverie....went in front of the mirror....started cutting down his long hair...shaved his beard.....had a shower after so many days....and then bundled all his awards,books,and every recognition he got.....
he carried every thing to the near field and burned them...with a profound joy in his face looking at the fire he screamed 'let that phase of my life die here,am no longer an high praised intellectual,i wont be discussed anymore,i wont having sleepless nights fighting to find the less traveled ways of human mind...i can live like a normal man....'
he walked straight to a tea shop...and asked the owner..'could i get a job here?'
owner nodded...the rest of his life he served tea ,cleaned the tables,ate the left out food...and slept in the wooden rack peacefully

.!.

who created religion?
who created caste?
who created hierarchy?
who created culture?
who created neatness?
there is no point in arguing .
if you cant swear at people...better be silent
if you cant beat the people you hate....why do you have hands??
if you cant fuck the girl on bed why do you have a dick?
the inhibition of being human is a mask of your fear....we are animals behave like one....
you surely in your life wanted to swear,beat,abuse, at people who you hate...do it
dont eat according to table manners grab your food...stuff it....
we are animals....
its not culture less or brutal...it is natural
chaos is the way....
you are a slave in every institution whether it is family,office,school,society
you are not free....remember you are born free...but brought up as a slave....
break the idols of god....burn those holy books....they infect you....
stop all clocks and watches...time controls you
remove doors and locks....they confine you...
you are made rebel....there is no need for it... because the world is yours...its for every one...live like animals they explore earn food, mate, fight...live king size...even worms live in regal...its we who are living like donkeys carrying the burden of religion culture time relation...
each one of us have same emotions....what we express is what makes us...
so i give a big middle finger to all those who feels they are part of a culture.
i am proud to be an animal without culture religion or time
when you think fuck as a bad word...just think how you were born...similarly every thing in the world stamped as sin is part of life..knowingly or unknowingly....admit the fact that we are just another species
now i thought of a halt....but time is not my concern....
live natural

Another Hault

this blog comes to an end for the time being.... I've  run out of topics...rather i can't find obsession in anything...nothing evokes my mind....there has been some powerful undercurrents of negativity flowing ....resulting in wounded emotions....i hurt many people during the course of this...the last one was real bad...no excuses....you cant handle me the way i am....there had been withdrawal syndromes...insanity....and lastly a sadistic pleasure in finding people getting hurt.....i want the death of my spoiled half.....not anymore....so all of you who got anger ,grudge and got hurt by me...pay tributes....
i don't know whether i can come back like old times....enjoying everything....like others do...let the past odds RIP....and girl salute you for your tolerance level...i was so bad....feel free to walk away...
bye....hoping for new leaves to sprang in the dead stem

cat

i am a cat.i am white in color.i beg in the backyards of every house in the neighborhood for my daily bread.i have to hide myself in the dark nights to protect myself from the brutal male counterparts of mine.
but one day i got raped brutally....by a scar faced cruel looking tom cat......he bite my neck and failed me physically to satisfy his momentary pleasure.and i haven't seen that big scar faced long tailed animal after that.i got pregnant...i got weak...i have to wander in search of food even in garbage with this .i gave birth to three cute kittens in the dark unused room in the backyard of a house....but have to keep changing the places from protecting my kids from predators which include many.every time i had to shift i had to take them biting them on the neck stretching my muscles.its hard.three of them always want milk.poor kids what does they know.one day  coming back after begging for food,i dint find my kids.i cried and wandered madly in search of them ,every nook and corner...i dint find any sympathetic face.no one seems to care..i cried and went every house searching for my beloved ones...may be that man would have carried them in a plastic bag and thrown them far away...my innocent ones dont even opened there eyes...but before the memories of my kids faded i was raped again and got pregnant again....i am weaker...but this time i'll bring up my offspring.

protagonist

this is role is so spontaneous and voluntary for him....repeating every dialogue ,every movement every expression like the first time ....a very deep rooted guilt has grown in his mind doing this character....every time he is on stage he ask in mind for forgiveness from Anne ...no...queen Jocasta....and for the last time i am performing the most tragic hero ever created

the excitement of doing Sophocles greatest tragedy was over by the first performance itself.....there after every stage was like a walk on the fire.....after knowing Anne was his mother in the first performance...he couldn't look into her eyes.....'i had sex with my own mother' the feeling strangles his mind every time....the line between Anne and Jocasta blurred after every performance...this stage will be the revelation...'i'll be a free man after this' he kept on saying during the play.....'i love Anne but i cant never lead a life with you"

with the end of every scene there riots in his mind.....he wanted to run free to some meadows plunging a dagger in his eyes....suffering for his sin....

the last scene is being performed.... Anne is mockingly hanged....but for his Jocasta is hanging dead in front of him.....like the son pleading for mercy in front of his mother ...he screamed holding the suspended feet of Anne "forgive me Jocasta forgive me please" he screamed....crying his heart out he fall on the stage.... Oedipus is being freed ...the shackles are being braked....but the brewing Oedipus complex inside him for Anne remained in his imprints....

the audience was clueless with the break down of the actor.....for them he has to continue suffering for his brutal sin....but the protagonist died moments ago....the bare man is crying loud blabbering.....along with the Greek maxim "no man should be considered fortunate until he is dead"

note:Oedipus is considered to be the greatest tragedy by Sophocles .the theme of the play is that Oedipus the unknowingly had to make Jocasta his queen,which is actually his true mother,at the end of the play he realizes his sin and punish himself for this .

after effects of addiction

I"M DONE

my blood yearns to burst out...

the blade made way for it...

even the pain of that is so bleak ..

with the pain of void she creates...

the hysterical variant of love which weakened me...

i cant contain you...

because you are too heavy for me...

time is not static and tormenting in your absence....

i cant bear you in me...

so i choose a way out...

EYES

i am lost for those eyes...

which was the only thing i could see....

rest was blurred when those eyelashes touched mine....

it draw me in like a blackhole...

looking at those glowing dark...

was the most intimidating sight..

which made me feel like i got only eyes intact...

i wont panic if i go blind hereafter....

becuase i saw her eyes....

Lo/s/t

never have i seen a night so blank.....

without a golden moon or stars to illuminate...

never have i ignored the drizzling from heaven...

never have i missed the bliss of lonliness...

you ruined my pleasures...

but i don't regret as long as you are there

to fill those voids

by an addict

i don't regret....just that it is what i want most at that moment

long since I've written something for my own...something personal...not that you care....but it is a relief for every writer....

from the day i got expelled...from the night i was caught up in the rat trap ....nothing went right....i was set free.again i run into those traps like a dumb little rat....rajesh, sreedevi...and whoever more engaged....you all succeeded in your aim...from the day you wrote testimony against me...my life has been derailed.....and destroying itself in all possible ways.....and somewhere inside i am loving my downfall like a sadist....i'm laughing like a mad man at my own destruction....how much i am trying to erase those memories.....it wont go.....it just haunt me..and irritate me...give a reason to degrade to all possible ways.....i became a constant complaincbox,a sadist,self confined....

may be the new place i'm put in is more a reason to grow in disgust.... incomparably small space for me to grow...view..think...

nobody in this world can convince me that i am gonna make't...nobody.... i strongly believe its over.....by far...no consolation can kill my darkness.....maybe because i am loving it dark.... because there you don't want to prove anything to anyone....just confine to core...blindly

yes all of you are absolutely right....i am fucking zero....

why i am in love?or what is it??she is stubborn,precise,rock,sensible,no rubbish,practical.....now i am opposite to all this....at times i hate her...like hell...now hatred is the only form of emotion i am available of ........all i know is am need of the 'she-dope' badly

i made every one sad,cry with my deeds....made everyone hate me....it helps in more confinement...a jail created by myself for me........

yet i don't regret....my freedom to think,write,express is at scrutiny....but am not bound to anything now....seriously i don't care what a psychiatrist want me to do....this is not depression...just a withdrawal from dreaming good and not getting it...think of nice things and not getting it is painful...so destroy all goodness....and live in hatred......if anybody is still looking for my complete downfall...i am trying it by my own hard

the word i love most is "bliss"

No way out!!!

He was freeze and fragile without having reign over his body…he laid down like a python after a royal meal…stagnant body flowed with vibrant emotions….he could sense death so near …may be a leap forward may open the doorway to mortality……he heard the whisperings of spirits so near yet so far…..or is it his sprit hanging over him adhesive to his body yearning for freedom ...he want it to let free….but his conscience opposed ,which grabbed his soul desperately….they are repulsive …yet once absence cause eradication of himself….he felt like god when he experienced only his soul and inner self rioted around a pale body….

Time passed….he was alone in his house….parents can come at any time soon…he has to get over from this …lost in this flowing reverie….or real??the grip is loosening further….walls jailed him….the floor he walked upon dint allowed him to make a move…the mosquitoes he killed made gothic music at his ears…he was made the prisoner of his surroundings …he begged for a return….but blackness drawn him more into it…everything is taking revenge on him..Everything he ignored resonated back in enormous power……..

He heard the calling bell ringing…..a chilling fear ran through him…dad and mom…they are back….

In desperate footsteps he reach the door…..he couldn’t even look straight…his head is gaining weight every second….his weakened body, blood shot eyes ,dried up lips gave a something- is- wrong signal for his parents….they were alarmed ,dad checked whether his temperature is normal….it was fine…smelt if there was alcohol consumption…negative…..now they are totally worried….mom almost broke ,is screaming to take him to the hospital…..but his inner consciousness want to resist mom’s opinion…. “going to hospital means life is shattered, once and for all”…….but he was too fragile to react…by that time dad started the car and was taking him to doctor….mom called up close relatives for help….he wanted to scream “don’t go to the hospital, please, I am begging, I’ll suicide if u go”…..but his mind’s roar came out only as murmurs….

He was straight away taken to ICU ….dad, mom and relatives waited outside praying for their child….after sometime doctor came out with a straight face and called up dad personally …. “Look...don’t create a scene…we are helpless….in his blood check we found high percent of narcotic content….he’ll be back to normal in some time…but we already have informed police…that is the legal procedure”

Dad was numb for a moment…then he burst out in tears and begged for mercy….but it was too late….

The whole family watched in tears when he was taken by the cops….but none wanted to talk to him….while his eyes was still blood shot may be of dope or tears….

R.A.W

I am pampering this stinky dick …in a rhythm of inertness...and this bloody bastard is groaning in pleasure…yes I am a slut….

This fat ass is chipping off the apple peel with his small knife…and enjoying his chivas regal along with my body...while that swine was treating upon me insanely, I recalled about the fat women and her small cute kids I saw on the street last night …the way the smaller one cuddled upon her breast out of love or security…I so want to be that child to enjoy the purity and ecstasy of motherliness…but the bitch of mine brought me into this world of brutal animals for whom women are just breast, ass and vagina to feed upon…there must be some reasons for her to drag me into this…but death would have been a better way out than any reason ….it still crates a chill in my heart on the day when she first pushed me into a dark room to get hunted …the killing pain of first blood of sin was overshadowed by the fact that my mother is a pimp ,a bitch who sold her daughter…from that day onwards I only had soul…body was just a commodity for strange men’s wildness….while these mad dogs do brutality on my dead half, my flesh, I wanted to scream at them “go fuck your own daughters!!!”…and my fucking mother who only wanted her own happiness and luxury never talks to me other that cursing my indifference towards “customers”….

This old python is not done yet….with alcohol as energizer to thrive upon me…if anyone of you reading this has your estrogen pumped up ….cut off your dick on your own…

No more submission….no more dark dreams….in a saturated moment of vengeance and womanliness…she took the knife and chopped off the fat man’s last evidence of being a male…with a mad smile she walked towards her mother and tore her apart in a complete bloodshed way….with an angles’ tranquility in mind and a blood stained, wounded beast’s look she walked out of that brothel…the knife was still in her hands luring with filthy red ……

eternaly immortal

filthy saliva oozed down from the jaws of those black dogs
like daggers there teeth shone in twilight
they prepared for the brutal kill, as there deadly
stares fixed upon the lamb who abandoned its herd...
the lamb gazed upon the vastness its eyes can contain,
exploring the world on its own,but couldn't extricate between evil and good,death and life....
for that sublime soul everything around was new and beyond judgmental...
when the wild beasts prowled upon the kid who sought for the unknown ways,it doesn't understood that it was the end of its adventurous journey ...
pierced flesh and blood made it groin in pain and slowly to death...
but still it couldnt distinguish between pain and pleasure,death and life,good and evil...
but enjoyed the most peaceful,fearless, maternal extinct....

ardhanareeswara

i saw tears rolling down from his eyes when he walked away from me. his voice was shattered when he said "you betrayed me".....

believe me i never betrayed you ....i still love you....i still have that obsession towards you like i had when we met for the first time.....i cherish the moments we had in private in my room...the walks we had in the beach...the coffees....the kisses that happened out of nowhere...i was never disturbed with our relation...never been ashamed also...

what does she have to do in our relation?

i agree ,at first it was a shocking realization that i felt something for her...for the first time ever....i had that rousing feeling on seeing a girl....thought it was just a split second emotion....but i am sorry...after that i always had this yearning to be more close to her..there was a reinvented form of love.... the one i read in poems .......

now i feel like split myself into two..one for you and the other for her......how can i be the sinner for nature's fault.....i want both....and broke.....it was only you and her.....its not betrayal...but my inability...

but now i took this decision and acted...come back to me soon....i killed her...strangled her last breath...what more i should do to show that you are prime for me always??like a dream she came in and showed me the other half of mine...now the dream is no more...i did it for you ...even siva didn't kill parvati for mohini....i did..

anti clockwise

i was born now.....6 45 pm.....

sun is starting to bloom in west.....i am going to see her,to say good bye.....i am going to see her for the first time to say goodbye.............she asked me to come before she leave to some other place getting a new job....she want me to see her before that....on my way to see her for the first time.....while i was crossing the road...the car hit...blood flushed out .....i feel so fresh...but i couldn't see her...my love ...she might have left ....

i am walking back......now i saw her....for the first time...then she is crying and from her expression she is angry.....we are breaking up.......shouting at each other for reasons that does not have any validity..... because in my conscience i know we already are separated...

sun is moving towards east....am walking back like all others did.....surprisingly i saw her again in coffee shops ...parks....now we are going for movies together ......we are talking ...laughing.....this was before i saw her for the first time.....before we parted....

now my life starts......the clock with 12 on top....in clockwise direction it reads 11..10...9...8...........3...2....1....again 12... i need to get up and go to office......when it is bluish dark.....i drove to office.....after some hours...sun again moves from west to east.......dawn and dusk are similar in its color shade and feelings....both are confused about day and night........when sun starts rising in east...i get back home.......

i saw her for the last time she was most beautiful then.....there was a feeling....for the first time time in my life ironically it was the last time i could see her......i proposed her....its killing me that i cant see her again....

hereafter she does not have any speck of influence in my life...she is not there in my conscience hereafter......am a happy bachelor .....with absolute freedom....

now am a college student...so much fun...life to its fullest...then school...am getting older.....weaker ...so dependent......i need support from my parents to survive.....i can feel then...i was getting older smaller....and so cute....am crawling now.....so dependent that i need to cry loud to get milk from my mothers breast.....cant speak....cant walk...but then everybody cared about me....but as an entity i was so weak mentally and physically....cant even express my feelings other than crying loud...and too small that everybody carried me in their arms....

sun is fast moving towards east to die.....fading away....memories also fades.....i died.....i remember i was inside some bag ...no it was womb... that's what they call.....i was dad then.....

now am born.....in the middle of the road.....i am weak now also just like when i was dead years back.......and now there is no one to care like the days when i was so old i was crawling and crying all the time.....i need to start living by my own.....sun died in east ....and am breathing.....

some qustions i have to answer ...what came first in this world.....egg or hen??man or god??void or matter....

i am feeling a whole new energy inside now....life beckons......

exsex

bloody unruly sun woke me up....the golden rays were so disturbing.....the other half of the bed is unoccupied.....so she had left....there is a stiffness and pain for the body.....sunlight is warming the void she left.....i smelt that part of the bed....were she slept all night naked......i could feel the smell of her sweat.....compelling smell.....without bothering to put on any clothes....i lit the first cigarette for the day.....

last night was beyond words....night of satisfaction,wildness, ecstasy,total blissfulness.....call me a pervert or horny pig.....call her a whore or bitch....and the night ...a one night stand and the room a brothel....i don't care....as long as both of us enjoyed the most purest feeling in its totality....

was it the darkness in the room that made us so secured....and completely occupied....or was it the rain which silenced all other noises.....or was it the cold that made us so craving for warmness of nakedness.....i enjoyed every inch of her......wandering like a nomad through her body....i can't remember the nasty words she whispered in my ears....curse the weed or i could have cherish those lusty words ever in my life...

all contradictions about gender differences starts in bed...in fact that contradictions is what make sex beautiful.....and the moment of supreme ecstasy all the contradictions and paradoxity of sexual differences dilutes to oneness.....at that moment there is no male and female.....like we push out the pulp from a wound...immense pain and delight merges at one point......the paranoid is about sex is that all inconsistency about gender start and stop there only...not beyond that....

sex made me realize love was always secondary......it was this crave or curiosity about lust that made love engaging........morality preachers .....i now know you were wrong or fake.....sex educators all your theories are wrong.....and all holy books which stamped the existent deed of life as sin ......i now know you were written by impotents......the purest form of emotions is all considered bad...now i know......

night always has a annoyance of sleep.....sometime late in night after so much of madness....both of us slept....hugging the nudity.....

the chimes in the room made music only in the morning.....she left nothing in the room..other than a note....."thanks for the wonderful night;)" ...girl...don't know i'll see you again.....but i really want nights like that again.........

punishment

scene1
a dark room with an incandescent light.everything inside the room in chaos.the phone is ringing...looks like its the only thing live in that room...a man completely naked with unshaven beard and long hair....walked up slowly to pick the call....man doesn't wanted the dark silence to be disturbed more....he picked the call and whispered...call him the sinner....and the man at the other end friend.

friend:man.thank god u pick the call....i was all scared...you OK?? you dint do anything foolish right??

sinner:foolish??you think the message i send you was a foolish one??and am not all right...after the punishment only I'll be satisfied....

friend:you cant be doing this....this is absurd....

sinner:you are the only person I've to tell....and even you don't disagree the acts I've done is worst than sin....worst than a psychopath can do...I've to go through this

friend:but...but....this is sick man..now u live in the right path...that is the best way of correcting yourself....in the name of punishment you are doing madness...leave punishment to god

sinner:if there is a god who punish..there should have been a god who would have saved you from evilness...no damn god was there then...fuck your god........and..realizing that you are a sinner ,dint made me feel good...it was bad...but when i decide to punish myself....i am feeling better and peaceful

friend:you better die than doing this...i don't want to see you in that fucked up state

sinner:i thought about death...but its an easy escape...that's more than a relief than punishment...i am hanging up....i can't see you again...haha....

saying that he hung up the receiver.....there unclear shout from the other end before the receiver hit the deck

scene 2: man walks to a table which is the only thing kept clean and tidy...with a cutting edge knife placed on it....he took it slowly....sweat is sprouting from his forehead......with his two fingers he widened his left eye..and moved the knife closer toward the eye...another moment....it was blood all over.....knife replaced eye....he removed the knife....with shivering hands...he moved the knife to the right eye... the cutting edge of that knife that knife was the last sight in the rest of his life.....

no love

i hate love.....
the four letters are beautiful when combined....
but never in its soul.....
inside it hides evil....
from hatred jelous selfism and sadism....
love transforms but never get pure.....
if it does ,its not love ....
you call hate negative which is authentic
and love positive which is stained by bonds
all who praised love praised a emotion that is so untrue to itself.....
love never has a meaning for its own......
if lust is sin....love is satan.....
love is dope that confuse more when you take't more........
i dont want to loose my peace
so,i love hate not love.....

relics of 70's

smokes from the cigarette was not given the time to dance in front of eyes......it was taken aback to the past by the roaring wind.....i could see the sights of present fading away to memories of past....the rails seems so blurred in distance...
sitting in the stairs of howra express ...i am virtually sitting in the boundary of freedom and constriction...in front of me i have the vastness of nature unfolding and oblivious with pace...and behind me the lives from all parts of the country with subjected smell of toiled sweat and the stinking odour of toilet....
i took out the small piece of paper from my pocket.....a letter rather.....it wavered in the moving wind....holding it tightly i read the scribbled words again...for me it was the most beautiful hand writing..... "i was praying for this date of your release....i am safe...please don't come in search of me....i wrote this letter only to make sure that i am alive.....forget everything ....start a new life...and i plead don't follow this letter -shakti" did i smelt sourness of her tears?
how could she write this to me.....how could she skip the thoughts of us being together arguing over rebellious thoughts...the poems that bleed revolt and love.....the speechs which ignited the armed struggle of 70's....my comrade turned lover.....after i was jailed...this is the first letter i got from her...that too before my release....after long 8years....everything changed....there is no trace of the movement which inspired us....every one now is confined to their own world....carrying the burden of ignorance.....
now i am following the address in the letter......with train's pace lowering as it neared kolkota...the breeding ground of radicals....the pace of heart beat raised....now i am in wanga soil...walking under the scorching sun .....i wandered through the famously narrow slums of kolkata searching for the address....but everyone i asked gave me disgusting looks.....even though drenched in sweat i sat down at a tea stall....drinking a hot black tea and cigarette....my favourite combo..i enquired the chaiwalla about the address....he pointed to a shabby house opposite...a molten core of emotions gaining weight.. i walked towards my destiny...with each step in... it got darker....it was more filthier inside than outside.....a fat women interrupted me...."what you want?" i whispered "shakti"....."rs 500" she replied in a rude tone....heart couldn't orchestrate with reality....i knew what was happening ....but i just want to be inert to reality for that moment....the wooden door open up before i saw my divine soul in the most wrecked state.....eyes spoke ....there was drought in her eyes....if there was an another second i would have rushed up to her and hugged her...instead she closed the door firmly....i stood numb for some moment...and walked back without a reason to return....
now back in howra station with a burning cigarette in my lips waiting for the return train.....i pity myself....and 70's.......

the last laugh

he was not like the raging sea....he was not like the ghastly wind.....but he donned the ferocity of both....he seldom talks.....his eyes was clear and his dead stare was the last word in 'sandokhan'...in the corners of sandokhan the fellow bandits refers to him as 'cold death'...because no one has ever seen him having any shades of smile.....that out marked him from the rest of brutal pirate world

....he was known through the weary pages of past.... ...the suicidal warrior of 'sandokan'...no one knows his past..no one dare to ask......from the time of his blood stained fame in the dark seas he was the devil of sandokan.....he is un moved in front of outrageous sea....loot after loot...bloody victories followed...sandokhan and cold death was undisputed in the catastrophic blues....but he never smiled over the marauding victories.....but silently sails sandokhan to further destinies....

but here he was caught alive by the king's men.....there was vane looks on the royal men on getting the 'king of sandokhan'.....with his hands tied behind and made him to sit on his knees...his stare still created a chill among the wise men....
"so you are the cold death,the ravaging captain of sandokan' asked one of the king's men who is assigned to kill sandokhan king
more acute stare
'do you know your reign in these dark seas is coming to an end tonight in my hands'
a slightest of smile
'you whore born....feel the edge of my sword before i want to sea your dead eyes in fear of death'
a roaring laugh followed.....for the first time the fellow pirates saw there captain smile...that too at his dieing moments....it dint last long...blood splattered out from his Adam's apple....but his last face had that smile in him.....the last laugh of 'cold death'
was he a good or bad..i don't know....but the last laugh was even more confusing than his whole enigmatic life.

is there a reason to live in the paradise lost??

from here i look above..to that world you say about
i wanted to go high up and kiss the twinking cosmos
the glimpse that i got of peach of beauty....
which cannot be contained in your cells of imagination....or dreams beyond reality checks
here bawl is not the signal of life from the womb of creation
wisdom by birth leaves the lives without any opportunity to get stained
in this magnum opus of perfection conflict for power is an ellusion,
forms of betrayel,revenge,cause an effect wont be a reason to bleed
the hierarchy starting from the enslaved almighty to its vandalizing patrons to free blemishes of anarchists cant be seen anywhere....
my call of instincts wont haunt here when there is no trace of hunger or desire of flesh...
militon's seven sins is the armeggedon which never happens in his paradise.....
i am dropping down....with no grip to hold....
is there a reason to live in thy world???
where spirits are ultimate by birth.....
where there is no thoughts to disturb...no ideologies to fray...
where dogmas wont intrude the existence.....
is there a reason when the the strugle i am captivated with has no meaning ??
is there a reason where there is no feces to get rid of or any bread to stuff in??